Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that.I like that.
So, ya'llin a good mood, right?CROWD: Yeah!
I'm in a great, great mood,great mood.
Having a good yearso far. Uh, got my
RushCard in the mailthe other day.
Uh, went out and boughtthis jacket. It's on now.
It's on and popping,on and popping!
I'm happy to be in 2012, man.2011 was a bad year for me.
It was a bad year.Nothing good about that year.
Everything was bad, ended offbad. Christmas was terrible.
You know, my,my nephew's got mad at me
because they asked forAngry Birds for Christmas.
And, uh, I got them threebitches from Philadelphia.
I didn't know what the hellthey was talking about, man.
I'm just happyand I feel good. I feel good.
My New Years resolutionis over already.
I said, this year I wasgoing to stop drinking.
And that's alcohol right there.
I said was going to go ahead andgive up alcohol, you know,
because, uh, alcoholis like... sheesh,
it didn't work.Alcohol is one of
the best things ever invented.People, if you drink,
never quit.Drink until it kill you.
Just keep drinking.
I thought I wasbecoming an alcoholic
because I drink every day.I am nowhere near an alcoholic.
They got real alcoholics outhere, people. Real alcoholics.
They got this new thingcalled alcohol colonic.
This is where people are puttingliquor in their ass.
This ain't even no joke.This is some serious stuff.
People are taking shots ofPatrón to the booty hole.
And I know you're thinking,why would somebody
put liquor in their ass?Well, they do it because
it gets you drunk immediately.And no five, six drinks
trying to get drunk.One to the ass, and you're done.
Dude in the club like,"Ah..."
(panting): "Just trying toget wasted tonight."
"Man, I only got ten dollars."
"About to just takea shot to the ass."
The other benefit ofalcohol colonic is that
you can pass a breathalyzer.
Mm-hm. Cops pull you over like,
"You've been drinking?""I ain't been drinking nothing!"
"Well, g-g-give me the test!Give it to me!"
That's sick that peopleactually do that, right?
Crazy thing is, somebody in hereright now, like,
(chuckles)They'll go home and do it wrong,
pour a bottleof Heineken on their ass.
© 2015 Comedy Partners. All Rights Reserved. Comedy Central and all related titles, logos and characters are trademarks of comedy partners.