Tiffany Haddish - Being a Lady

Murphy, Dahle, San Juan, Waite, Rutledge, Patton, Haddish Season 4, Ep 4 11/06/2009 Views: 4,650

Unlike men, women have to be creative and innovative when adjusting themselves in public. (4:07)

I'm feeling all good 'causeI'm wearing my hairdo

from 1992 right now.

I'm feeling so cute.

I feel like, ♪ Aisha,you are the girl. ♪

Feeling good, man.

I feel like doingsome Double Dutch for no reason.

Like, oh, shoot.

Little bit faster.

In the three-inch heelsmy baby toe is dying right now.

Whoo! You ever wear some shoesthat was just, whoo,

they just, these ain't right,y'all.

These Bogoes ain't good.

"Doesn't it feel goodto pay less?"

Hell, no, bitch!

Hell, no. My-my baby toe is deadright now.

The middle toe is just incardiac arrest like (groans).

I just want to do the restof the show

just walking on the sideof my shoes,

like, "Forget it.You know what? This is..."

Ladies, you ever been in a club,you got your cute shoes on?

You go out with your homegirls,they got they shoes on.

Everything, y'all lookin' good.

You dancing and everything,like, "This is my..."


"Amber, can we go home?

No? Well, forget you, then.I'm gonna just go sit down."

And you sit down on your littlechair and you're like...

"I hate this bitch.

"Look at her, just dancing,having fun and stuff.

Ooh, look, I can't believe her.That's why she fat."

And you be wanting to cry,but you can't

'cause you in the club so youstill gotta be kinda cute.

And then a dude come up to you,be, like,

"Hey, baby, can I get youa drink?" "Well, yes, you can."

You start walking like a horsethen, like a parade horse.

You, like, going "Well, shoot.

What's your name?What's your name?"



Yeah, I'll havea cranberry vodka.

"Yeah, yeah, the cranberry'sfor the house,

"the vodka's for you, sir.

I'm gonna give it to you."

These jeans are cutting offthe circulation

to my house right now.It's killing me. Whoo!

They so tight. You ever wearsome jeans that was so tight,

when you took 'em off,

it still look like yougot jeans on?

You be with your dude,your dude be, like,

"Take your pants off."

"I did take 'em off.Come on and handle this."

He be, like, "Oh, no."

(chuckles)Are you ever...?

Ladies, ladies, I just wantto know,

you ever wear a thong that wasjust one size too small?

And your, you got one-one(bleep) one part of your (bleep)

just hanging out on the side,

and you wantto put your (bleep) back,

but you can't put your(bleep)?

You can't just put yourkoo-koo back like you want to.

You can't, 'cause you a lady.

You can't just, you can't justadjust. You can't.

You gotta be strategic about it.A man, a man just be, like,

(deep voice): "Yeah, we gonna goplay some basketball.

Go fishing. (sniffs)Hand me them chips, dawg."


Did you really just do thatright now? That is so nasty.

But when you a lady,you gotta be creative

and innovative about howyou do it and stuff.

You know, you be at work.

You a bailiff at court,you know, standing there,

got (bleep) just...

Like, "I need everyoneto please rise for the judge.

"Oh, yeah, I used to bea ballerina

before I got into the...into the law forces."

It's a little stretchthat I do.

Trying to put your stuff back,you know?

Or you do the walk.You do the walk.

Somebody didthe walk coming in here tonight.

Like, "Girl, we fixin' to goup in this Gotham.

It's gonna be so good."

And dudes be, like,"Dang, she's sexy."

No, she's yeasty,or her koo-koo is hanging out.

One or the other.She wants to scratch or adjust.

One or the other, man.

That's all that's going onright there.