Jim David - Meeting People

  • Season 4 , Ep 2
  • 12/10/2000
  • Views: 2,043

If you're a comedian, it's hard to relate to Martha Stewart. (2:32)

I MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE DOING

THIS.

I MET A GUY AFTER A SHOW ONE

NIGHT.

HE SAID TO ME, "YOUNG MAN,

YOU WERE VERY FUNNY.

I DON'T GET OUT MUCH.

I'M THE ANNOUNCER FOR THE AMTRAK

RAILROAD, PENNSYLVANIA STATION.

YOU WERE THE FUNNIEST MAN

I'VE SEEN IN NEW YORK, NEWARK,

PHILADELPHIA, WILMINGTON,

BALTIMORE, AND WASHINGTON.

ALL ABOARD."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

I WAS IN LAS VEGAS AND I MET

A GUY WHO WAS THERE FOR

"THE SOLDIER OF FORTUNE,

MILITARY HOME DEFENSE

AND AMMUNITION GUN EXPO."

(LAUGHTER)

THEY BELIEVE THAT ALL

WHITE PEOPLE ARE DESCENDED

FROM ADAM AND EVE, ALL JEWS

ARE DESCENDED FROM EVE

AND SATAN, AND ALL BLACKS ARE

DESCENDED FROM EVE AND

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS

SATAN.

IT IS THE STRANGEST THING.

BUT HE KEPT TRYING TO SELL ME

A GUN FOR LIKE 2 HOURS.

AND FINALLY I SAID, "LOOK.

I DON'T OWN A WEAPON."

AND HE SAID, "WELL, HOW DO YOU

DEFEND YOURSELF?"

AND I SAID, "WIT."

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN HE SAID, "WIT WHAT?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

I WAS JUST ON THIS TV SHOW,

AND THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHAT

WAS ON THE SHOW WAS

MARTHA STEWART.

NOW, I KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR

THE NAME MARTHA STEWART YOU

THINK "COMEDY."

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO HER?

I SAID, "HELLO.

I TRIED YOUR PLANTAIN-COATED

FILLET OF DOLPHIN FISH."

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME,

AND SHE SAID, "AND WHAT WILL YOU

BE DOING ON THE PROGRAM?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

I'M A COMEDIAN.

I'LL JUST BE TELLING JOKES

AND STUFF."

AND SHE SAID, "OH.

I LIKE A LITTLE AMUSEMENT

NOW AND AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT WILL YOU BE TALKING ABOUT?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

I'LL JUST BE TALKING ABOUT

WHATEVER I THINK IS WEIRD OR

STRANGE OR PECULIAR, YOU KNOW.

WHAT WILL YOU BE TALKING ABOUT?"

AND SHE SAID, "I'LL BE SHOWING

OUR VIEWERS HOW TO SEW A LIGHTLY

SCENTED, MOTH-REPELLENT ORGANZA

CACHE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID, "THAT'S WHAT I'LL

BE TALKING ABOUT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I LOVE DOING THIS.

I NEVER KNEW WHAT I WANTED

TO DO.

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I WAS A

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR, AND I WAS ALSO

A LIFEGUARD.

SO WHENEVER ANYONE WOULD DROWN,

I WOULD GO, "AND I SHOULD SAVE

THEM BECAUSE...?"

(LAUGHTER)

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