Pete Holmes - Making the Bed

05/12/13 Views: 12,845

Before Pete Holmes goes to a party, he makes his bed look like the cover of a Crate & Barrel catalog. (2:24)

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being a single man--just a rudderless man,

no direction, no government.

I'm just a man,just calling shots on my own.

It's pathetic.

I'll tell you,there are things that I do

now that I'm singlethat I've never done before

in my life.

For example,if I'm going out--

and this is sad--if I'm going out

to a partyor a dance or something,

ice cream social,

anywhere where I thinkthere might be a girl

and I might meet a girl--

I hear lore of people meetinggirls and having sex with them.

I was like,"May be for ol' Petey."

You know what I mean?

So, if I'm going outon a Friday night

to a party,before I leave the house,

I do stuff I never do.

Like, I'll make my bed.

I feel you gettinguncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable too.

I'll make my bed,

'cause I'm like,"A girl might see this bed.

"It's gotta look like the coverof a Crate & Barrel catalogue.

I want it to look real nice."

Guys, I don't make my bed.

I've never made my bed.What am I,

a recovering alcoholic?

I don't need structure.

I sleep in the same swirl of topsheet as I mule-kicked it off

the evening beforein a fever dream.

I've never made my bed.

I jump right back into thatlike a caramel center

in a Ben & Jerry's flavorI call Lonely Man's Dilemma.

I've never once made a bed.

I can't tell youwhat it feels like

to be wafting up a top sheet

that I haven't movedin a millennium,

just like,Maybe a special lady tonight!

[laughter]

Tucking it in.Guessing.

I don't know how to tuck it in.

Like, fancy,like a hotel.

Spraying down Febreze.

Hear the truth.No time for a wash.

Spray down some Febreze.

This is awkward.If you're not laughing,

you're not picturinga grown man alone,

just like...[imitates spray bottle]

Floral-scented desperation

all over the sheets.

There's a lampthat I turn on,

like a sex lamp.

Mood lighting.I never use it

unless I thinka girl's coming over.

Can't use the overhead one.It's too dank.

What is this, surgery?

Sex lamp.

Clean up the toenails.This is true.

The feet might makean appearance.

Trim up the toenails, guys.

Can't have the cold click-clackof your feet

on tile be a deal breaker.

Just like,"Hi, I'm Foghorn Leghorn

here to fornicate with you."

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