Patton Oswalt - Acknowledging Beliefs

Season 1 , Ep 101 Views: 45,797

Just because Patton Oswalt believes in a giant, invisible anus doesn't mean that you have to respect him for it. (3:36)

PEOPLE THAT ARE AGAINST

GAY MARRIAGE--

IF THEY JUST OPENLY SAID,

"I'M AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE

BECAUSE THINKING ABOUT

TWO MEN HAVING BUTT SEX

OR TWO WOMEN HAVING SCISSOR SEX

KILLS MY BONER,

DRIES UP MY VAGINA.

I CAN'T HAVE SEX.

IT RUINS MY LIFE.

THAT'S WHY I'M AGAINST IT"...

THAT WOULD BE A VALID ARGUMENT.

WE'D HAVE TO ACTUALLY

DEBATE YOU ON THAT.

BUT THESE LUNATICS ALWAYS GO,

"WELL, 'CAUSE IT SAYS

IN THE 'BIBLE.'"

OKAY, STOP, HANG ON.

I'M GLAD YOU LIKE A BOOK.

I REALLY AM.

I'M GLAD--HEY, I'M GLAD THAT...

>> Audience: (cheering)

>> Patton: (laughs)

AT THIS POINT, I'M GLAD

ANYBODY'S READING ANYTHING.

AND I'M NOT EVEN PUTTING THE--

THE "BIBLE" IS TERRIFIC.

GIVE IT A READ.

IT'S GOT MONSTERS

AND ADVENTURES,

AND--AND HEY,

IF YOU LIKE TORTURE PORN...

(deepens voice) CHECK OUT

THE OLD TESTAMENT.

OH, MAN.

(normal voice) ANY "SAW" FANS

OUT THERE?

WHOO!

GET THE OLD TESTAMENT.

BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE

SOMETHING IN A BOOK

DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN HAVE

THE THING YOU LIKE IN THE BOOK

HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT CRAZY PEOPLE WANT!

>> Woman: WHOO!

>> Patton: I CAN'T GO

TO THE WHITE HOUSE

WITH A BUNCH OF

"GREEN LANTERN" COMICS AND GO,

"I WANT A GREEN LANTERN RING!

I SAW IT IN A BOOK I LIKE.

MAKE THE THING

IN THE BOOK I LIKE

BE HERE, NOW."

I WOULD BE JUSTIFIABLY TASED

IF I DID THAT.

NOBODY WOULD GO,

"HEY, WE HAVE TO RESPECT

HIS BELIEFS.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA--

YOU'VE GOTTA RESPECT

EVERYBODY'S BELIEFS."

NO, YOU DON'T.

THAT'S WHAT GETS US IN TROUBLE.

YOU HAVE TO--

LOOK, YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE

EVERYONE'S BELIEFS,

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO

RESERVE THE RIGHT TO GO,

"THAT IS FUCKING STUPID.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

(cheers and applause)

>> Patton: "I ACKNOWLEDGE

YOU BELIEVE THAT..."

>> Audience: (cheering)

>> Patton: "THAT'S GREAT.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA RESPECT IT."

I HAVE AN UNCLE WHO BELIEVES

HE SAW SASQUATCH.

WE DO NOT BELIEVE HIM,

NOR DO WE RESPECT HIM.

WHAT IF I--

WHAT IF I 1,000% BELIEVED--

AND I BELIEVED THIS 1,000%--

WHAT IF I BELIEVED THAT

THERE WAS A GIANT INVISIBLE ANUS

HOVERING OVER ME,

AND IF I WASN'T NICE

AND HELPFUL AND COURTEOUS

AND CHARITABLE

TO EVERYONE I MET,

THE ANUS WOULD APPEAR,

SUCK ME UP INTO IT,

AND I WOULD BE DEVOURED

BY SHIT PIRANHAS?

AND I MEAN--

AND I BELIEVE THIS 1,000%.

I WOULD BE THE NICEST GUY

YOU EVER MET.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "PATTON,

YOU'RE SO HELPFUL AND CHARITABLE

AND--AND COURTEOUS TO PEOPLE.

WHY IS THAT?"

AND I'LL GO, "IT'S FUNNY

YOU SHOULD ASK ME THAT.

YOU CAN'T SEE IT,

BUT THERE'S AN INVISIBLE ANUS

HOVERING OVER ME,

AND IF I'M NOT NICE

TO EVERYBODY,

IT WILL APPEAR AND SUCK ME UP,

AND I'LL BE EATEN--

WELL, I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU

ABOUT THE SHIT PIRANHAS.

WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THOSE, RIGHT?"

YOUR CORRECT RESPONSE WOULD BE,

"I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU BELIEVE THAT.

THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD.

PLEASE DO NOT STOP BELIEVING

IN THE DUMBEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD,

BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTUALLY

HELPING PEOPLE OUT

WITH YOUR CRAZINESS.

DON'T STOP BELIEVING

IN THAT STUFF, PLEASE.

I BEG YOU."

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