The Convenience Store

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 04/05/2006
  • Views: 82,171

Great soul of Gandhi, please cover your ears. You will not want to hear this. (6:30)

♪ HEY-YA, HEY-YA

♪ OY-YAH

OH, I AM SORRY, BUT THAT ISMY FAVORITE JAM OF ALL TIME.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

I AM PUNJI,A SIMPLE HINDU SHOPKEEPER.

THIS STORE IS OPEN24 HOURS A DAY.

AND UNFORTUNATELY,I AM HERE FOR EVERYSINGLE ONE OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WILL BE $28.95.WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I DON'T HARDLY UNDERSTANDNOTHIN' YOU'RE SAYIN'.

IF Y'ALL PEOPLEGOIN' TO COME TO THIS COUNTRY,

Y'ALL BETTER LEARNTO TALK ENGLISH.

OH, I NEED TO LEARNTO TALK ENGLISH?

[LAUGHTER]

GREAT SOUL OF GHANDI,PLEASE, COVER YOUR EARS,

YOU WILL NOTWANT TO HEAR THIS.

LISTEN YOU PIECE OFINBRED OF KU KLUX CRAP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WHITE PEOPLELOVE TO BE RACIST,

BUT THE ONLY RACESYOU CAN TELL APART AREINDIANAPOLIS AND DAYTONA.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I HOPE I AMREINCARNATED AS TOOTHPASTE

SO I NEVERHAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW TAKE YOU 12-PACKOF WIFE-BEATING JUICE

AND GET THEPARK OUT OF MY STORE.DO IT NOW. DO IT!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

FIFTY LOTTERY TICKETS,PLEASE.

AREN'T YOU THE WOMENWITH 12 KIDS? CHYES.

WHAT DO YOU FEED THEM,THE LOSING LOTTERY TICKETS?

CALLATE LA BOCA, MAMON. JUSTGIVE ME THE LOTTERY TICKETS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

LORD KRISHNA,PLEASE FORGIVE ME,

FOR I KNOW WHATI'M ABOUT TO SAY.

YOU ARE NEVER GOINGTO WIN THE LOTTERY.

YOU HAVE BETTER ODDSOF GETTING KNOCKED UPBY RYAN SEACREST.

[OH'S, LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE]

AND YOU HAVE ENOUGH KIDS.

TAKE YOUR $50AND BUY A VAGINA CORK.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

I HOPE I AMREINCARNATED AS A CONDOM

SO I NEVER HAVETO SEE YOU AGAIN.

NOW TAKE YOURLOTTERY TICKETS AND GETTHE PARK OUT OF MY STORE.

GET THE PARKOUT OF MY STORE. DESGRACIADO.

I KNOW SPANISH TOO, PUTA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

[Automated Voice] A PACK OFUNFILTERED LUCKYS, PLEASE.

HOLY NECK,WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

JUST GIVE ME MY SMOKES.

OH, RAMA,HERE I GO AGAIN.

LISTEN TO YOU,SOUNDING LIKE DEATH VADAR.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU NEED CIGARETTES LIKETHIS COUNTRY NEEDS ANOTHERANOTHER C-AVERAGE PRESIDENT.

[OH'S, WHISTLES,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU LOOK LIKEA HUMAN PEZ DISPENSER.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE ARE YOUR CIGARETTESAND HERE IS SOME GUM

SO YOU CAN BLOW BUBBLESTHROUGH THAT WEIRD ASSHOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK.

[AUDIO CUTTING IN AND OUT]AND HERE ARE SOME BATTERIES

FOR YOURCREEPING-ME-OUT MACHINE.

NOW GET THE PARKOUT OF MY STORE.

- GET THE PARK OUT OF MY STORE.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HOPE I AM REINCARNATEDAS A TURTLENECK...

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO TANK YOUFOR GETTING THAT JOKE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

HEY HAJ,YOU OUTTA CHEESE!

GOOD GOD,LOOK AT THIS SKINNY HO!

HMM! I'D BE THIN TOO, IF I HADA PERSONAL TRAINER. MM-HMM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH VISH-NU,I AM ABOUT TO GO AGAINSTALL OF YOUR TEACHINGS.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

IF YOU HAD A PERSONAL TRAINER,YOU WOULD PROBABLY EAT HIM.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I KNOW THERE IS A SKINNY PERSONINSIDE EVERY FAT ONE,

BUT YOU MIGHT HAVETHE ENTIRE CAST OF

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODELINSIDE OF THERE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I HOPE I AMREINCARNATED AS YOUR FEET

SO YOU WILLNEVER SEE ME AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

OH, I AM SORRY.I APOLOGIZE.

I SHOULD NEVER HAVEINSULTED YOU.

BECAUSE WHERE I COME FROMCOWS ARE SACRED.

NOW TAKE YOUR FOODAND ALL MY CHEESE

AND GET THEPARK OUT OF MY STORE.TAKE THAT. GO!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND GO PARK YOURSELF!

- OH, OF COURSE.- [LAUGHTER]

GIVE ME THE MONEY!OPEN THE REGISTER! MOVE!

YOU KNOW, YOU HAD BETTERTHINK TWICE ABOUT ROBBING ME

BECAUSE YOU AREON CAMERA, MY FRIEND.

NO, I SPRAYED IT.NO, DUMB ASS. DON'T YOU KNOW?

MEN DON'T WEAR DEE DOTS. DIS IS A CAMERA, MY FRIEND.

YOU ARE ON DOTCAM.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

OH, NOW LOOK, YOU HAVE A DOTON YOUR FOREHEAD JUST LIKE ME.

OH, WHAT IS HAPPENING?YES, LET US PLAY A GAME.

WE ARE GOING QUAIL HUNTING,I AM THE VICE PRESIDENT

- AND YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND.- [WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

GET THE PARKOUT OF MY STORE!DO IT NOW!

AND FOR ALL OF YOU AT HOME,

YOU ARE ALL WELCOMETO VISIT MY STORE.

YOU ARE ALSO WELCOMETO PARK OFF,

YOU MOTHER PARKING PARKSAND GO PARK YOURSELF.

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