Nick DiPaolo - Militant Feminists

  • Season 6 , Ep 7
  • 06/02/2002
  • Views: 3,562

Nick DiPaolo loves women, but not militant feminists. (3:38)

NICK DIPAOLO>> YOU KNOW WHO

I BLAME THIS POLITICAL CORRECT

WAVE ON?

MILITANT FEMINISTS.

THEY'VE CUT THE SENSE OF HUMOR

RIGHT OUT OF THIS COUNTRY.

EVERY COMMERCIAL GOES AFTER

THE FATHER NOW.

EVERY COMMERCIAL MAKES THE GUY

LOOK LIKE THE ASS (BLEEP).

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE PICKED UP

ON THIS WOMEN BUT IT'S TRUE.

EVERY COMMERCIAL GOES AFTER THE

FATHER.

IT'S LIKE "AMERICA ON LINE IS SO

EASY EVEN DAD CAN USE IT."

OH, YEAH, YOU MEAN THE GUY WHO

BOUGHT YOU THE (BLEEP) COMPUTER?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

YEAH.

HE'S A REAL JERK.

(APPLAUSE)

THEY DON'T LET UP,

THE FEMINISTS.

I GOT ON THE SUBWAY LAST WEEK;

I GOT ON THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

CAR.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THIS ONE

GUYS?

PICTURE 50 WOMEN WITH BLACK EYES

CRYING A BIG SIGN THAT SAYS

"EVERY TWELVE SECONDS ANOTHER

WOMAN IS BEATEN BY HER BOYFRIEND

OR HUSBAND."

YOU KNOW, IT'S EVERY SIX SECONDS

A WOMAN TAKES A GUY FOR HALF OF

WHAT HE'S WORTH IN THIS COUNTRY,

YOU KNOW?

SHOULD BE A PICTURE OF 50 GUYS

UP THERE CRYING WITH THEIR CHECK

BOOKS OPEN AND A BUNCH OF ZERO'S

IN THE BALANCE COLUMN.

(APPLAUSE)

AND I'M NOT ANTI-WOMEN.

I LOVE WOMEN.

WOMEN HAVE IT TOUGH, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHERE I THINK YOU GET

GYPPED THE MOST BY GOD THE MOST,

WAS THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM

'CAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE A CERTAIN

AMOUNT OF TIME YOU CAN HAVE KIDS

RIGHT?

THEN YOUR STUFF GOES BAD LIKE

FRESH FRUIT OR SOMETHING, HUH?

GUYS, OUR STUFF'S LIKE A JAR OF

MUSTARD, LASTS FOR A THOUSAND

YEARS, NOBODY WANTS IT,

YOU KNOW?

BUT THEY'VE REMEDIED THE

SITUATION LADIES, YOU CAN NOW

FREEZE YOUR EGGS.

THAT'S KIND OF COOL.

FREEZIN' YOUR EGGS.

"HEY, BILLY, WHERE'D YOU GROW

UP?"

"AH, BETWEEN THE FUDGECYCLES

AND THE FISH STICKS."

"IS THAT A BIRTH MARK?"

"NO, IT'S A FREEZER BURN.

I WAS THIS CLOSE TO BEING A

MARGARITA."

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET FOR

DONATING YOUR EGGS LADIES?

5,000 BUCKS.

GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT WE GET FOR

OUR SPERM?

50 BUCKS.

I GOT A TOWEL AT HOME,

IT'S WORTH $200,000.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE).

YEAH, IT'S LEANING AGAINST

MY BEDROOM DOOR AND, UH...

(FEMININE VOICE)

"THAT WAS GROSS, HE'S GROSS,

HE'S A PIG!"

"AHH...SHUT UP."

I WANT TO HAVE KIDS, MAN.

HOW BOUT THE LADY THAT HAD EIGHT

BABIES.

DO YOU KNOW THERE WAS ONE

CARRYING NINE RIGHT NOW?

THIS WAS IN TIME MAGAZINE

LAST MONTH.

THERE'S A LADY IN ARGENTINA

CARRYING NINE BABIES.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE THEM

NATURALLY.

NINE KIDS COMIN' OUT OF THAT

LITTLE OPENING.

IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THE FRONT

DOOR OF CHUCKIE CHEESE AT

CLOSING TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

KIDS JUST RUNNING OUT THERE

SINGLE FILE, "WHOLLY JEEZ,

WHERE'S THE CLOWN WITH THE

PIZZA, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON

HERE?

IT'S LIKE A FIRE DRILL AT A

KINDERGARTEN, WHAT THE HELL'S

GOING ON?"

THEY DID A SONOGRAM ON HER.

SHE HAD NINE SEPARATE UMBILICAL

CORDS.

HER PLACENTA MUST LOOK LIKE THE

BACK OF AN ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.

(LAUGHTER)

THE DOCTORS LIKE, "CAN I CUT

THIS?

DOES THIS GO TO THE VCR, THE

TELEVISION, TO TIMMY, TO SHARON,

TO BOBBY?"

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING NINE

BABIES COMING OUT OF A LITTLE

OPENING?

THAT'S TOUGH, MAN.

THAT'S HOW TOUGH WOMEN ARE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T MIND WOMEN IN

THE MILITARY, I DON'T MIND THEM

IN THE ARMY.

I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD BE IN

THE FRONT LINES 'CAUSE THEY

DON'T THROW THAT WELL, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T THINK TWENTY SOLDIERS

SHOULD DIE BECAUSE PAM'S GRENADE

TOSS LANDED A FOOT FROM THE

BUNKER!

(LAUGHTER)

"IT LANDED BEHIND US, SHANNON...

(LAUGHTER)

GIVE IT TO THE GAY GUY NEXT

TO YOU AND LET HIM THROW IT."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YEAH, THAT'S A HELL OF AN ARMY

CLINTON PUT TOGETHER, WOMEN AND

GAY GUYS.

BOY THE TALIBAN MUST BE CRAPPIN'

THEIR PANTS, HUH?

"IT'S THE GREEN BERETS.

HEY, THEY'RE WEARING YELLOW

PUMPS, WHAT THE (BLEEP) GOING ON

IN AMERICA, HUH?

THEY'RE GOING TO BREAK INTO

OUR CAVES AND REDECORATE,

WE CAN'T HAVE THIS."

(LAUGHTER)

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