Damien Lemon - Rescue Animals

Damien Lemon Season 3, Ep 9 07/11/2014 Views: 5,244

After being scared by a pit bull, Damien Lemon decides that the idea of "rescuing" a dog is ridiculous. (2:17)

It was one nightI'm getting home.

It was about at least 1:00in the morning.

I'm a little tipsy, you know?

I'm tired.

I got some emo Drake musicin my headphones.

And I'm walking and I getto the corner and I say,

"Oh, shit! That's a pit bull!"

I jump, and in one leap,

I'm on top of a Corolla.

I'm-I'm breathing hard as shit.

I can hear my heart beatingin my ear.

I'm sweating like this.

And then, a couple secondslater, there's a white woman

with some flip-flops on

upset at me because I'm afraid.

She looked at meand she was like,

"What's the problem?Why are you so scared?

What, what are you afraid of?"

I said, "Baby, that's a,that's a pit bull.

"I thought it was loose.That-That's an attack animal.

What are you talking about?"

She said, "No.

"That's not an attack animal.

That's a rescue."

Say what?

See, you know that.That's that semantics.

I got caught with the spin.

I'm like,"A rescue, what the...?"

You know.

A rescue?I thought it sound heroic.

I thought, okay, maybe the dogwas in a burning building...

you kicked the door open,

you grabbed the dog,you put it under your shoulder,

you shimmied down a fire escape.

Maybe the dog was in a shootout,

and the dog only hada switchblade.

You come through with the semi,shoot up the block.

Open up the passenger seat,the dog jumps in,

y'all drive off to freedom,you know.

Some heroic shit, a war story.

I go and do a Google search.

I come to find outa rescue animal,

all that is

is a dog that's in a shelter,

and it's got 24

to 48 hours to be adopted

or they euthanize it.

They put it to sleep.

I said, "Wait a minute.

"That's not a rescue.

"That's a clearance sale.

That-that..."

You got that dog for the low.

That, you know.

That's a Black Friday pit bull.

This is...

If this dog bite meand you pay me,

you still in the black.You didn't save...

You saved a couple dollars.