Patton Oswalt - Liquor Ads

Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain Season 1, Ep 0101 12/05/2004 Views: 14,238

Patton Oswalt thinks of liquor advertisements as sad short stories displayed on billboards and commercials. (3:08)

I LIKE ALCOHOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE EVEN BETTER

THAN DRINKING?

LIQUOR ADS.

LIQUOR ADVERTISING IS THE ONLY

PRODUCT.

THEY JUST KNOW WHO THEY'RE

SELLING TO.

THEY DON'T MAKE ANY--

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"HEY, DRUNKY, GET THIS IN YOU

SO YOU'LL BE FUN.

C'MON, GET IT DOWN YOUR THROAT."

YOU DON'T SEE LIKE CHEETOS

GOING, "HEY, MAN BOOBS,

CHEETOS CRACK--

C'MON!

C'MON FATTY, CRACK A BAG."

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY LIQUOR AD IS JUST BASED--

OH, THERE'S BILLBOARDS FOR

ALCOHOL ALL OVER L.A.,

AND IT'S ALL--

THEY LOOK LIKE THE SADDEST

SHORT STORIES YOU'VE EVER READ.

THESE BILLBOARDS--

THERE'S ONE FOR DEWAR'S--

OH, THERE'S A BIG SWEATY GLASS

OF DEWAR'S WITH ICE.

THAT LOOKS GOOD.

BUT THEN THE TAG LINE MAKES YOU

NEVER WANNA DRINK.

"CAUSE THE TAG LINE SAYS,

"DEWAR'S-- AT LEAST ONE THING

WILL GO SMOOTHLY TODAY."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT WENT WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE

THAT YOU'RE--

IS THAT HOW YOU THINK IT--

"I HATE MY JOB.

I CAN'T STAND [BLEEP] THAT

HEDGEHOG OF A WIFE ANYMORE,

BUT YOU'RE MY BUDDY, DEWAR'S,

YOU'RE MY PAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA SNEAK YOU INTO THE

MOVIES IN MY TUMMY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE FOR

J&B SCOTCH AND IT SAYS,

"J&B SCOTCH, THE ANTIDOTE FOR

ROAD RAGE."

[LAUGHTER]

FOR WHAT?

"YES, BEFORE YOU GET BEHIND

THE WHEEL OF AN AUTOMOBILE,

MAKE SURE THAT EVERY TISSUE

IN YOUR BODY IS SOAKED IN FINE,

CASKET AGED J&B SCOTCH.

J&B SCOTCH "BEFORE" YOU DRIVE."

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN THE TV ADS ARE JUST LIKE

DEPRESSING.

THERE WAS ONE FOR THAT--

REMEMBER THAT MARTINI & ROSSI

OSTISPU-- BLAH--

ANYWAY, THEY HAD A TV AD WHERE

THE CAMERA IS ZIPPING AROUND

THIS PARTY AND EVERYONE'S

BOOGYING AND HAVING A GOOD

TIME-- WHEW-- AND THEY TALK TO

THIS GUY, AND THEY GO, "HEY,

MAN, WHY ARE YOU DRINKING

MARTINI & ROSSI?"

AND THE GUY GOES, "'CAUSE IT'S

TUESDAY."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT A WINO SAYS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HEY, WHY ARE YOU [BLEEP] OFF

IN THE MAILBOX IN FRONT OF THE

CHICK FILET?

"HEY, MAN, I FOUND A $50 BILL

IN A PILE OF DOG CRAP.

I TOOK IT DOWN TO THE LOCAL

TAP AND CAP SAID, 'SET 'EM UP

COUNTRY MUSIC, IT'S PARTY

NIGHT.'"

THEN THEY ZIP OVER TO THIS

HOT CHICK, AND THEY GO, "WHY ARE

YOU DRINKING MARTINI & ROSSI?"

AND SHE GOES, "'CAUSE HE SAID

HE WOULD CALL ME BACK, AND HE

CALLED ME BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE NORMALLY I [BLEEP] ANYTHING

THAT HOOVES INTO MY FIELD OF

VISION.

BUT THIS GUY'S NEW IN TOWN,

DOESN'T KNOW MY REPUTATION AS

THE TOWN [BLEEP] JAR AND HE'S

GONNA TRY TO START A

RELATIONSHIP, AND I'M GONNA TRY

TO BLOT THE MEMORY OF WHEN I

[BLEEP] THAT SOFTBALL TEAM IN

THE ABANDONED HOSPITAL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]