Jeff Stilson - Birth

  • Season 7 , Ep 15
  • 05/22/2003
  • Views: 2,872

Jeff could never, ever raise a child that he gave birth to. (2:33)

Jeff Stilson: SO I'M

VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE.

I DON'T GET OUT THAT MUCH

ANYMORE.

I GOT THREE KIDS AND TWO RETIRED

PARENTS.

OH, MAN, THE RETIRED PARENTS.

OH, JESUS.

THEY CALL CONSTANTLY.

THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO SO THEY

JUST CALL YOU ON THE PHONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT RETIRED PARENTS

ARE LIKE?

THEY'RE LIKE TELEMARKETERS THAT

YOU CAN'T HANG UP ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY REFUSE TO TAKE YOU OFF

THEIR CALL LIST.

GOT THREE KIDS.

I HAVE A 4 1/2 YEAR-OLD, A

2 1/2 YEAR-OLD AND A HALF-YEAR

OLD.

I-- YEAH, I WAS PRESENT FOR ALL

OF THEIR BIRTHS, THAT'S EXPECTED

OF MEN NOW.

WE GOTTA BE THERE WHEN THE KIDS

ARE BORN.

I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT OUR

ROLE IS IN THE DELIVERY ROOM.

[LAUGHTER]

AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, IT'S LIKE

WAITING FOR YOUR LUGGAGE AT

BAGGAGE CLAIM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW YOU JUST STAND THERE

AND PEER INTO THAT VOID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"GOD, I HOPE THAT ONE'S MINE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M EXHAUSTED.

THIS HAS BEEN VERY HARD ON ME."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE WE'RE TOLD WE'RE IN

THE DELIVERY ROOM WE'RE THERE

TO COACH.

YEAH, LIKE MY WIFE NEEDS ME

TO TELL HER HOW TO BREATHE.

SHE CREATED A HUMAN BEING INSIDE

OF HER, I CAN BARELY MAKE

MICROWAVE POPCORN.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE NOT THERE TO COACH,

WE'RE THERE TO WATCH.

WE'RE THERE TO WATCH WOMEN

DO SOMETHING THAT WE CAN'T DO.

AND IT WAS A SHREWD MOVE OF THEM

AND NO COINCIDENCE THAT THE

WOMEN'S MOVEMENT STARTED

TO PICK UP STEAM ABOUT THE

SAME TIME WE WERE INVITED

INTO THE DELIVERY ROOM.

IT'S WOMEN'S WAY OF SAYING,

"OH, YOU DON'T THINK I CAN

COMPETE WITH YOU IN THE

WORKPLACE?

AHHH!

WHO'S THE BITCH NOW?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I HAVE TREMENDOUS RESPECT

FOR WOMEN AFTER WATCHING MY WIFE

GIVE BIRTH THREE TIMES.

I COULD NEVER, EVER RAISE

A CHILD TO WHOM I GAVE BIRTH,

YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE A NEWBORN IS ABOUT

THE SIZE OF A BASKETBALL AND

IF I HAD TO EXPEL A BASKETBALL

FROM MY BODY VIA A VERY

RESTRICTED PASSAGEWAY, I WOULD

NEVER WANT TO SEE THAT

BASKETBALL AGAIN.

NOT EVEN ON WEEKENDS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S VERY STRESSFUL BECOMING

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