I like it if the pilothas a Southern accent
when I get on to a plane.
That calms me down.You know why?
They say "hi" right away.They say "hello."
Have you ever beenon a flight where
the pilot doesn't say anything,
and you're like 30 secondsfrom takeoff?
You freak, you're like,"Who's up there?"
"Who is doing this, okay?!
"We're kind of freaked out.Have been,
have been fora couple years, yeah."
When I get onto a flight,if the flight crew
hasn't said hello,I freak out at my seat.
I'm like,"These are Russian terrorists."
"This is happening, this ishappening right now."
"Are you ready for this?"
"Are you ready to bein a Steven Seagal movie?
Are you ready for that?
Does everyone here knowslow uninteresting karate?
'Cause if you do, you canbe the lead if you want...
to be the lead in this."
You know whenthe flight crew's Southern.
You're walking to your seat."Really, we're already
talking about the Forth of July?It's February."
That's small-talkyou can't teach.
You either got it or you don't.
Love it whenthe pilot's Southern.
"Hey, how you folksdoing back there?"
Whole lot better now that I knowyou're in charge.
"We're going to take this thingupstairs to God's country."
What did he just sa... ah...
Ah, like a good hurt.
Ow, but oh, I like it.
"Sorry that we're getting out ofthe gate kind of late today."
"We're gonna fly itlike we stole it. (chuckles)"
"Who's, uh,who's up there, huh?"
"Mr. Perfect-pants?Who's flying this thing?"
"Fly like we stole, okay, yeah,no one stole anything."
I think no one got the joke."No one stole anything."
"He's just going to fly faster,if you're wo... interest..."
"Yeah, yeah, it's a joke."
"Well, you should haveyour headphones off.
The door's closed. So, youshould have those off."
I'm that guy on the flight,I'm like, "(fake laugh) Him!"
"Him, he's the one who doesn'tcare about other people."
Just take a big ol' siphere of my diarrhea cup
if ya'll don't mind.
Mmm, it's good,it's showbiz, showbiz.
A lot of people drink diarrhea.
You ever been on a flight andthe person sitting next to you
gets up to go to the bathroom?
And they're gonefor just a really long time?
You freak out, don't you?
You know you freak out. You'relike, "Okay, what is this?"
How do you even report that?
"Hi, yeah, no,the guy sitting next to me,
"uh, he's been gonefor quite a bit.
"He's eitherpoopity-pooping, or...
he is a terrorist. There's no...It's one or the other."
"There's no middle ground,not these days."