Eugene Mirman - Messages Left on Bar Napkins

Season 1 , Ep 101 12/14/12 Views: 5,089

Eugene Mirman shares some dubious advice written on old bar napkins. (2:08)

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DON'T BOTHER, UM...

AND I SAW THIS HUGE BILLBOARDTHAT SAID,

"ABORTION HURTS."

AND THEN IT HAD A DRAWINGOF A BUTTERFLY.

WHO--WHO WAS THAT FOR?

IS THERE, LIKE, A LADY THAT'SGONNA SEE THAT AND BE LIKE,

"OOH, I WAS GONNA GETAN ABORTION,

"BUT NOW THATI REALIZE IT HURTS,

"I GUESS I'LL JUST GIVEBIRTH TO A CHILD

"'CAUSE I KNOWTHAT'S PAINLESS,

AND RAISING ITSHOULD BE A SNAP."

[laughter]

I TRAVEL A LOT,AND OFTEN BEFORE SHOWS,

I'M JUST SITTINGAT A BAR

'CAUSE I'LL HAVE HOURS.

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY--

I DON'T MEAN LIKE DRINKING.

I MEAN SITTING THERE WAITINGAND STARING AT PEOPLE,

JUDGING THEM, UH...

ANYWAY, OFTEN I HAVE JUST,LIKE, TIME TO KILL.

AND SO--YOU KNOW HOW WHENYOU ORDER A DRINK,

THEY'LL GIVE IT TO YOUON A NAPKIN?

AND SO WHAT I'LL DO OFTENBEFORE A SHOW

IS I'LL JUST SIT FOR HOURSWRITING LITTLE MESSAGES

AND THEN PUTTING THEMAT THE BOTTOM

OF THE PILE OF NAPKINS.

SO IN, LIKE,A WEEK OR SOMETHING,

SOMEBODY GETSA MESSAGE FROM ME.

AND I FOUNDA BUNCH OF OLD NAPKINS

THAT I GUESS THE BARTENDERNEVER TURNED AROUND,

SO I KEPT THEM,

THAT I WANTEDTO SHARE WITH YOU.

AND HERE THEY ARE.

THESE ARE NOTES THAT I MEANTTO LEAVE FOR PEOPLE.

"CHEER UP, FATTY."

"IT'S OKAY TO LIETO OLD PEOPLE."

"THIS NAPKINGIVES YOU PERMISSION

"TO TALK ABOUT POLITICS,

EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE DRUNKAND UNINFORMED."

[laughter]

"YOU CAN LEADA HORSE TO WATER.

CONGRATULATIONS,[bleep]FACE."

"YOU ARE AN ALCHEMISTWHO CAN TURN SIX BEERS

INTO AN AWKWARDTHREE-WEEK RELATIONSHIP."

YOU ALL ARE.

AND THEN LASTLY...

POOR LITTLE GUY.

"HAVE A BABY.IT'LL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE."

[applause and groans]

IT'S A FUN THING TO LEAVE,BUT A TERRIBLE THING TO GET.

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