Bill Dwyer - Lutherans

  • Season 5 , Ep 11
  • 09/09/2001
  • Views: 1,541

Bill Dwyer doesn't know much about other religions. (2:28)

I WAS RAISED A CATHOLIC.

AND AS A CATHOLIC,

I WAS TAUGHT TO FEAR GOD.

AND, YOU KNOW, HE CAN SMELL IT

ON YOU-- LIKE A DOG.

AND THAT'S THE ONLY RELIGION

I KNOW, CATHOLICISM,

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

ANY OTHER RELIGIONS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE LUTHERANS.

WHO DO THOSE PEOPLE WORSHIP--

LEX LUTHER?

THAT'S THE BALD GUY FROM

SUPERMAN.

THAT'S CERTAINLY A FALSE ICON

I WOULD THINK.

SO I GO TO THE BIBLE SOMETIME

FOR INSPIRATION.

I KNOW I DON'T LOOK LIKE IT,

I MEAN, I KNOW I LOOK LIKE

AN ARYAN MAGICIAN I DON'T KNOW.

"VATCH ME PULL AN INFERIOR RACE

OUT OF MY HAT, FOR THAT IS WHERE

THEY BELONG, IN MY HAT!"

I GREW THE GOAT-TEE SO I DON'T

LOOK SO MUCH LIKE ANN HESCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PEOPLE ALWAYS STOPPING ME

ON THE STREET, "HEY, YOU STILL

A LESBIAN?"

HOW DO I ANSWER THAT?

"WELL, I SHARE SIMILAR

INTERESTS."

I DON'T LIKE THE INDIGO GIRLS,

WRONG EQUIPMENT.

SO I LIVE JUST OUTSIDE OF L. A.

IN A NICE LITTLE TOWN THAT

HAS A HUGE ARMENIAN POPULATION.

WE HAVE THE MOST ARMENIANS

THIS SIDE OF ARMENIA,

APPARENTLY, AND SO I HAVE

A LOT OF ARMENIAN NEIGHBORS

AND FRIENDS AND I KNOW THEY'RE

MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE THEY CALL ME

"BIL, MY FRIEND," WHICH I LOVE,

I LOVE THAT.

AND THEN THE OTHER THING I LOVE

ABOUT THEM IS THAT THEY HAVE

ALMOST ENGLISH SOUNDING NAMES.

IT'S ALWAYS OFF BY JUST ONE

LETTER OR SOMETHING.

THERE'LL BE A KNOCK AT THE DOOR,

"HELLO, BIL, MY FRIEND.

HEY!

HOW'S IT GOING, MARF?

ALL RIGHT!

GOOD TO SEE YOU, PAULP.

YEAH, YOU BET.

WHAT'S UP, BRIAB?

WHERE'S DOVID?

AND WE HAVE A LOT OF

HOMELESS PEOPLE OUT IN L. A.

AND THERE WAS A SIGN AT

THE GROCERY STORE THAT SAID

"PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE

THE PANHANDLERS."

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M GOING

UP TO THEM, "WAY TO GO,

PANHANDLER!

YOUR DOING A GREAT,

JOB PANHANDLER!

YOU HOLD ON TO THOSE PANHANDLING

DREAMS!

NEVER LET THAT PANHANDLE GO!"

YOU NEVER SEE A PAN OR A HANDLE,

DO YA?

I'D LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY

MAKING EGGS OUT THERE,

"HEY LOOK A PANHANDLER!"

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