Richard Jeni - New York Wise Guy Priest

  • Season 1 , Ep 13
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 7,835

Sit down and shut up -- this priest is double-parked. (2:43)

(Richard Jeni)I WAS BROUGHT UP CATHOLIC.

MY MOM TOOK US TOMASS EVERY SUNDAY...

SHORT FOR MASSIVEHEAD TRAUMA...

THAT YOU GET FROM YOURMOTHER, PUNCHING YOU

IN YOUR LITTLE NINE-YEAR-OLD HEAD EVERY MINUTE

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SIT STILLFOR ANYTHING THIS BORING.

THE MAIN PROBLEM IS THEGUY IN FRONT IS A PRIEST.

HIS MAIN JOB IS TO SAYTHE WORD "LORD"

8, 9,000 TIMES, INA VERY CLIPPED,

JUST-CAUGHT-MY-SCROTUM-IN-A-SUBWAY-DOOR,

KERMIT-THE-PRIEST VOICE.

(mimicking Kermit)LORD!

LORD GAAD!

OH, GAAD LORD!

AS I MUST DO EACH WEEK,

LET ME REPEAT THINGS OVERAND OVER SO AS TO FILL UP

A BUTT-ASS BORING HOUR.

I'D BE SITTING THERE,NINE YEARS OLD, GOIN',

WHAT ARE YOU, RAIN MAN?

WHY IS THISTAKING SO LONG?

WHA... OW!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU'RE IN GOD'SHOUSE RIGHT NOW!

GOD IS IN HERE?

YEAH, OKAY.

I GUESS HE MUST'VELOST A BET, BECAUSETHAT'S ABOUT THE...

OW!

AND I KEPT THINKING, OURCHURCH IS IN THE MIDDLE

OF BROOKLYN, NEW YORK.

WHY DON'T THEY JUSTGET SOME GUY UP THERE

IN A SHINY SUIT ON THE ALTARWHO'S GOT STUFF TO DO?

AND WE'D ALL BE OUT OFTHERE IN FIVE MINUTES.

(in Brooklyn accent)HEY, HOW YA DOIN'?

WELCOME TO MASS.

NICE TO SEE YA.

I'M THE REVERENDJIMMY CIPOCELLA.

SIT DOWN, SHUT UP.

I'M DOUBLE-PARKED.

OKAY, HERE'S EVERYTHINGYOU GOTTA KNOW

IF YOU WANNA GO TO HEAVEN.

A LONG TIME AGO,THERE'S A GARDEN,

THIS BROAD IS WALKIN'THROUGH, SHE TALKS TO A SNAKE,

BITES ON AN APPLE...

THAT MEANS WHEN YOU'REBORN, YOU'RE AN EVIL,

USELESS, WORTHLESS,PIECE OF CRAP.

GOES WITHOUT SAYIN'.

NOW, SKIP AHEAD, SKIPAHEAD, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

OKAY, THE FATHERSENDS DOWN THE SON,

THERE'S A PREGNANTVIRGIN IN A BARN.

THREE WISE GUYS COMEIN FROM THE EAST.

THAT'S CHRISTMAS.

GET A TREE.

SKIP, SKIP, SKIP.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OKAY.

THIS GUY JESUS,HE'S DOIN' GOOD,

THIS GUY JESUS,HE'S DOIN' GOOD,

BUT HIS FRIEND RATS HIM OUT.

THE ROMANS WHACK 'EM.

THAT'S EASTER.

GET A HAT.

SO THOSE ARETHE MAIN THINGS.

YOU GOT THE PRIEST, THESAINTS, THE CARDINALS.

RIGHT NOW THE SAINTS AREPLAYIN' THE CARDINALS.

I GOT A HUGEBET ON THE GAME.

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

GOD BLESS YA.

SEE YA NEXT WEEK.

I TELL YA WHAT, I'MNEVER GOING TO CHURCH.

YOU ALREADY BEEN, MAN.

I THINK I'D REMEMBERSOMETHING AS BORING

AND PAINFUL AS THAT.

YOU WAS BAPTIZED, RIGHT?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

SURE YOU DO.

THE PRIEST DIPPED YOURBALD, MISSHAPEN HEAD

IN THE WATER, ANDYOU STARTED WAILIN'

LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

(Nick)WAIT A SECOND.

THAT GRABBY FELLAWITH THE FUNNY COLLAR

AND HIS HANDS ALL OVERMY ASS WAS A PRIEST?

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TO ME.

I THOUGHT THAT I WASJUST GETTING A BATH.

YEAH, A BATH THAT COULDSEND HIM AWAY FOR 25 YEARS.

THE ONLY PLACE A PRIESTCAN BATHE A CHILD

IS IN HIS OWN SICK,TWISTED FANTASIES.

YOU BEEN BAPTIZED, SON.

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