Kumail Nanjiani - Hey Kumar

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 04/28/2011
  • Views: 49,030

Kumail Nanjiani wants to be so famous that he becomes a racist pop culture reference. (2:19)

I JUST MOVED TO CALIFORNIA A FEWMONTHS AGO, AND...

(audience member claps)OKAY.

THEY'RE LIKE,"GLAD YOU'RE GONE!"

(laughter)

AND I DIDN'T REALLY KNOWIT THAT WELL,

AND I HAD A SHOWIN ORANGE COUNTY,

AND WE ALL KIND OF KNOW ITFROM, LIKE,

"THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGECOUNTY, " YOU KNOW, SO--

(scattered cheering)

(laughter)

YOU MIGHT NOT LIKETHIS JOKE.

(laughter)

SO IT HAS A REPUTATION,YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE, LIKE,CLOSE-MINDED, WHATEVER.

SO I WAS KINDA NERVOUS.HOW IS IT GONNA GO?

I WAS KINA NERVOUS. I GET THERE.I GET OUT OF MY CAR.

LITERALLY 10 SECONDSAFTER I GET OUT OF MY CAR,

THIS CAR PULLS UP,THIS GUY POKES HIS HEAD

OUT OF THE WINDOW,YELLS AT ME, HE'S LIKE,

"HEY, KUMAR! WHERE'S HAROLD?"AND DRIVES AWAY.

TEN (bleep) SECONDS.

LIKE, HE'D BEEN WAITINGAROUND THE CORNER FOR WEEKS,

LIKE "I CAN'T WAIT FORA BROWN TO COME TO TOWN!"

(applause)

"I'VE GOT A POP CULTUREREFERENCE

THAT WILL BELITTLE HIM!"

AND I GOT SO ANGRY.

WHENEVER SOMEBODY'S RACISTTO ME, I GET SO ANGRY,

AND I WAS TRYING TO THINK WHYAND I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE

WHEN SOMEBODY'S RACIST TO YOU,THERE ARE NO COMEBACKS.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAYTO WIN.

'CAUSE WHAT AM I GONNA DO? BERACIST BACK TO THEM?

NO,BECAUSE I'M NOT RACIST,

AND MOST OF THE PEOPLEWHO ARE RACIST TO ME ARE WHITE

AND IT'S VERY TRICKY TO TRYAND BE RACIST TO WHITE PEOPLE.

LIKE, WHAT AM I GONNA BE,LIKE, "OH, I'M KUMAR?

WELL, YOU'RE THE LEAD IN MOSTMOVIES THAT COME OUT."

(laughter)

SLAM!

I THINK ABOUT IT FOR NIGHTS.LITERALLY, I CAN'T SLEEP.

LIKE, THREE NIGHTS LATER,I'LL BE IN BED, LIKE, AWAKE,

THAT GUY WAS SO RACIST TO ME.

HE CALLED ME KUMAR, WHICH ISPRETTY CLOSE TO MY NAME.

(laughter)

THAT'S JUSTA (bleep) COINCIDENCE.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASONI WANNA BE FAMOUS.

I WANNA BE SO FAMOUS THAT I'MTHE POP CULTURE REFERENCE

THAT PEOPLE WOULD MAKE

TO TRY AND BE RACIST TO ME,YOU KNOW?

SO I'LL BE WALKING DOWNTHE STREET,

AND A CAR WOULD PULL UPAND BE LIKE,

"HEY, LOOK AT THISKUMAIL NANJIANI.

OH, (bleep),THAT IS KUMAIL NANJIANI!"

THANK YOU FOR KNOWING MY NAME.

BRENDAN FRASER?I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S THE WHITEST GUYI COULD THINK OF.

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