Artie Lange - Best Part of Being on "The Howard Stern Show" Pt. 1

Artie Lange: The Stench of Failure Season 1, Ep 1 10/18/2014 Views: 2,802

After a night of stand-up, Artie Lange takes a drunken road trip with a weed-smoking taxi driver. (2:19)

Watch Full Episode

[cheers and applause]

I miss being on the show.

I do miss being on.It was great being on the show.

Cops love the show, man.

I didn't get one ticket

the entire timeI was on the [bleep] show.

A story that I'd like to share

that is my favorite one

having to do with that.

Years ago,I was still on the show,

I did stand-upin Albany, New York.

It was 3:00 in the morning.I was ossified drunk.

And I didn't want to bein Albany, New York, sorry.

So I said to the guyat the hotel,

I said, "Do you knowan all-night cab company?"

He said, "Sure, I do."

So he gets this cab driverto come to the hotel.

He's driving thispiece-of-shit car, town car,

and he looked like a roadiefor The Allman Brothers.

That's what this guy lookedlike, and I said to him,

"Hey, can you get me toHoboken, New Jersey, tonight?"

And he goes, "I can get youthere for 350 bucks."

I go, "Get me therein two hours, $500."

He goes, "[bleep] get in, man,"you know.

So I go, "Do you knowan all-night pizzeria?"

And he goes, "Yeah,"so we buy a Sicilian pie.

I sit in front with the guy.We put the pie in between us.


Before we leftthe Albany city limits,

it was gone.

And then the greatest thingin the world happened.

I fell asleep.I fell asleep.

And when I woke up,I was on Route 17 in Paramus.

In Paramus, New Jersey.I was close to home. Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

I slept through the whole ride,and I, you know,

obviously, I didn't have to talkto the guy, which was great.

But thenI smelled this real pungent,

strong weed smell,real strong marijuana.

And I look over, and this[bleep] guy is smoking a joint.

It's like one of those

Cheech and Chongquarter-pounder joints.


[singing Spanish gibberish]

And he's doing, like, 98,'cause he knows that

he's getting extra moneyif he gets me to Hoboken early.

He's got the jointin one hand,

and he's driving 98 miles anhour with one finger like this.

"'Sup, bro?

You slept good.You slept good."

"I hope the radiodidn't bug you.

There was a live Tull concerton, you know, man?"


I slept throughthe live Tull concert.

But I said, fine,I don't give a shit.