Dustin Ybarra - Fat Ass

Lee, Shlesinger, Ybarra, Keane, Friesen, Cobb, D'Elia Season 4, Ep 0402 10/23/2009 Views: 9,063

They say obesity is a virus, but you're not going to have to call your exes up and warn them that you're fat. (2:04)


This is a cool place.

I-I-I had a hooker come up to mefor the first time up here.

She was, like, "For $500I'll spend the night with you."

Like, "$500? That's an Xbox,lady, okay?"

(laughter)You know how much stuff costs?

I'm not going to get Chlamydia

from playing LEGO Star Wars,okay.

I've been playing online lately.

I love playing Xbox online,

but they got these kids on itthat talk mean crap.

I had some kid call me a fat assthe other day.

Like, he can't even see me,dude.


I'm, like, how doesthis kid know I'm fat?

Am I breathing heavy?

Is my character running slow?

Like, how do you know, kid?

Scientist are sayingobesity's a virus.

That's dumb, okay.

AIDS is a virus, all right.

Like, I'm never going to haveto call my ex-girlfriend.

Like, "Julie, listen.

(laughter, applause)

"I went to the doctor today

"and I'm fat, all right.

"Like, I don't knowif you're fat,

but you might want to getyourself checked out, okay."

(scattered applause)

(cheering, applause)It's like--

it's not gonna be cool.

I'm going to...

(laughs)I'm going to...

Now, I'm going to haveall these ex-girlfriends

come out of the woodwork."Like, Dustin, you made me fat."

"Like, bitch, you were fatwhen I met you, okay.

Our first date wasat Krispy Kreme, remember?"

I used to smoke weed, man.

I quit, though, you know,'cause...

(man booing)

Boo your piehole.

What a dick.

My dealer over there...

I-I used to smoke weed. I quit.

But, like, everything in lifereminds me of smoking weed.

The other day,I sealed an envelope.

I was like...

(laughter, applause)


Would've been awesome, man.