Billy Gardell - Garage

  • Season 12 , Ep 23
  • 06/06/2008
  • Views: 13,598

I didn't realize why my dad spent so much time in the garage -- until I got married. (2:19)

WHY MY FATHERWAS ALWAYS IN THE GARAGE.

THEN I GOT MARRIED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT BECAME CRYSTAL CLEAR.HE WAS AVOIDING ENEMY FIRE.

I'D SAY, "DAD, WHY ARE YOUALWAYS IN THE GARAGE?"

HE'D GO, "YOU HEAR THAT?"I'D GO, "I DON'T HEAR NOTHING."

HE GOES, "THAT'S WHYI'M IN THE GARAGE, BOY.

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.SHE'LL HEAR US."

MY FATHER WAS TEACHING MEA VERY VALUABLE LESSON

FOR WHEN I GOT MARRIED, AND THATIS, "JUST DON'T ARGUE WITH HER.

AT ALL COSTS, LET IT GO.LET IT GO. LET IT GO."

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE WHEN A WOMAN ARGUES,SHE DOESN'T FIGHT FAIR OR NICE.

A WOMAN BECOMES AN EVIL,VINDICTIVE,

DANGEROUS ANIMALWHEN SHE ARGUES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AT LEAST SOME OF YOUCAN ADMIT IT.

THE REST OF YOU ARE LIKE,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I'M SWEET ALL THE TIME."

YEAH. I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?

MIKO, HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

ME AND HIM GET IN AN ARGUMENT,IT ENDS ONE OF TWO WAYS --

"SHUT UP, MIKO!YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

OR, "YOU'RE RIGHT, MIKO.LET ME BUY YOU A BEER."

And it's over.

YOU CAN MAKE YOUR WIFE MADSUNDAY NIGHT.

IT STARTS BREWING.

THEN TUESDAY,WHEN SHE GETS UP FOR WORK

AND SHE'S DOINGHER LITTLE BATHROOM ROUTINE,

NOW SHE STARTS SLAMMING STUFFJUST A LITTLE BIT HARDER

TO LET YOU KNOWTHE STORM IS ON ITS WAY!

[ APPLAUSE ]

THEN SHE GOES TO WORK

AND TALKS TO THREE OF HERIDIOT SINGLE GIRLFRIENDS.

THIS IS WHEREMOST OF THE DAMAGE IS DONE.

THESE THREE MANIACS ARE SOSEXUALLY REPRESSED AND BITTER,

THEY HOVER HER LIKE BUZZARDSWAITING TO EAT THE DEAD FLESH

OFF OF HER HAPPINESS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THEY YANK HER INTO A STOCKROOM,PULL DOWN CHARTS, MAPS,

AND COMPUTER PRINTOUTS OF STUFFYOU SCREWED UP A YEAR AGO.

BY THE TIME SHE COMES HOMEREADY TO ARGUE WITH YOU,

SHE'S GOT BULLET POINTS,

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATIONS,SCENARIOS.

BATTLE PLANS HAVE BEEN DRAWN.

SHE COMES IN THE HOUSE,STATES HER CASE TOP TO BOTTOM.

GUYS ALL COME BACK WITHTHE SAME INTELLIGENT ARGUMENT --

"NUH-UNH!"

SHE LEAVES THE ROOM, ANDALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE A FACE.

BUT DON'T LET HER CATCH YOUMAKING THAT FACE.

THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER...

I TALK A LOT OF CRAP ABOUTMY WIFE 'CAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE.

BUT I'M AFRAID.

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