Kurt Metzger - Dystopia Run by Fat Chicks

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 1 01/11/2011 Views: 12,046

There's not a chance in Hell that Alaskan natives were having a better time before we got there. (1:59)

-Alaska's a different story.

Those natives gotno [bleep] business

being like that, becausethere's no [bleep] way

Alaska was betterbefore we got there.

There's a chance in hellthat these fatso natives

with their [bleep] fish icecream and snow houses were

having a better timebefore we showed

up and gave themelectricity, OK?

Number one.

Number two-- it is theworst part of Alaska.

It's a 12-to-1male-to-female ratio

in Anchorage, thecapitol of Alaska.

Can you imaginewhat a hell that is?

What a dystopia run by fatchicks that [bleep] town is?

And listen, I'm notanti-fat chick, OK?

My numbers are very clearthat I am pro-vagant.

But if we happen to be somewherewith kind of a [bleep]-up

economy, don't act like you'rebetter than me now, fatso.

That's not [bleep] cool.

Price-gouging me,like I'm at some

kind of airport McDonald's.

I know how much a Big Mac costs.

It's not $6.

This is-- Iliterally heard this.

Some guy made ajoke that, like, you

let Brad Pitt harass youat work, because he's hot?

And a 300-pound waitress goes,if Brad Pitt touched my ass,

I'd call the police.


You would call a cop?

If Brad Pitt came down fromheaven to this frozen shit hole

that you live in and touchedthe bean-bag chair that you call

an ass with his beautiful goldenhands, you would call a cop?

You wouldn't drop toyour hammy veiny knees

and thank some kind of whalegod for the best thing that will

ever happen to youin fat awful life?

Are you [bleep] me right now?

Holy Christ.

I wouldn't call thecops on Brad Pitt.

That would be the mostinteresting thing that ever

happened to me in my life,if Brad Pitt touched my ass.

I'm not-- seriously-- nothingwould compare to that.

[music playing]