Norm Macdonald - Pit Bulls

Norm Macdonald & Dan Rosen Season 1, Ep 13 02/24/1992 Views: 7,039

It's hard to get a dog to fetch your slippers when it knows it could kill you. (2:15)

I WAS READING YESTERDAY

THEY SAIDIF YOU'RE AFRAID OF HOMOSEXUALS

IT MEANS DEEP DOWNYOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL YOURSELF.

YEAH.

THAT WORRIES MEBECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF DOGS.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKEDOGS AND, UH...

( laughter )

LATELY I'VE HAD A HANKERINGTO DRINK FROM THE TOILET BOWL.

THAT'S THE FUNNY PART THERE.

I...

YESTERDAY I SNIFFEDA GIRL'S BUTT ON THE STREET.

( laughter )

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DOWITH THE JOKE

BUT I THOUGHTI'D GET IT OFF MY CHEST THERE.

I DON'T NEED THATHANGING OVER ME LIKE A SCYTHE.

I BOUGHT A DOG RECENTLY.

THEY'RE EXPENSIVE, THESE DOGS.

BOY, I'LL TELL YOU.

GO TO THIS DOG STOREAND THE SALESMAN THERE--

A TYPICAL SALESMAN--

TRIES TO SELL ME THE MOSTEXPENSIVE DOG IN THE STORE--

YOU KNOW, BIG $600 DOG.

BIG, GIANT...IT WAS A PIT BULL DOG.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM?

$600, AND I WAS LOOKING TO PAY

MAYBE, YOU KNOW,A BUCK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

( laughter )

TWO BUCKS.

THAT WAS MY CEILING.

SO HE SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOUBUY THIS PIT BULL?

THIS WILL PROTECTYOUR VALUABLES."

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHINGVERY VALUABLE, YOU KNOW.

I BUY THE PIT BULL

THAT WOULD BETHE MOST VALUABLE THING I OWN.

I'D HAVE TO BUY SOMETHINGTO PROTECT IT THEN.

YOU KNOW, IT'D BE...

BE OUT SHOPPING FOR WOLVERINESTHE NEXT DAY THERE SOMEWHERE.

YOU KNOW?

"SHOW ME SOMETHINGIN A TIMBER WOLF, MY GOOD MAN."

I'D BE SAYING.

SOME GOOD MAN.

OH, THAT'S A HELL OF A DOGTO GET, THOUGH, THEM PIT BULLS.

THEY KILL YOU.

RIP YOUR THROAT OUT.

I WANT A DOG TO DO THINGSLIKE FETCH MY SLIPPERS.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT A DOG.

A PIT BILL WON'T DO IT.

I SAY, "HEY, PIT BULL,FETCH MY SLIPPERS."

A PIT BULL WILL GO

"I COULD KILL YOU,BUDDY, WHAT THE HELL.

"I FETCH PEOPLE,THAT'S ALL I FETCH.

"I COULD FETCH YOU A GUY.

THAT'S THE BESTI COULD DO FOR YOU."

( laughter )

"MAYBE HE'LL BE WEARINGSOME SLIPPERS.

"I COULD FETCH YOU A GUY

"AROUND BEDTIME.

I COULD POP OFFSOME GUY THERE AND..."

YOU GO, "ALL RIGHT, THEN,NINE AND A HALF.

AWAY YOU GO THERE."