Greg Fitzsimmons - Las Vegas

  • Season 10, Ep 8
  • 03/16/2006
  • Views: 1,684

If craps were invented today, it would have a much harsher name. (1:46)

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.YOU HAVE TO BUY LIFE INSURANCE

WHICH IS REALLY LEGALIZED GAMBLING, ISN'T IT?

YOU SIT DOWN WITH AN AGENT AND YOU GO, "I BET I DIE."

HE GOES, "WE BET YOU WON'T." YOU'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

AND THEN EVERY MONTHYOU BET 'EM AGAIN, "BET I DIE."

"WE BET YOU WON'T." "ALL RIGHT.

I FEEL LUCKY, HONEY. I THINK I'M GONNA EAT IT THIS MONTH."

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST DID SOME REAL GAMBLING. I WENT TO LAS VEGAS.

WAS PLAYING CRAPS. BECAUSE I HAD A LOT OF MONEY

AND I NEEDED TO LOSE IT VERY QUICKLY.

I THINK CRAP MUST HAVE BEEN THE WORST CURSE WORD AVAILABLE

WHEN THAT GAME WAS INVENTED. IF THEY INVENTED IT TODAY

THEY'D HAVE TO CALL IT,"MOTHER-[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY MAN, YOU WANNA PLAY SOME "MOTHER-[BLEEP]"? NAH.

SO THEN I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA SLOW DOWN.

"I'M GONNA PLAY SOME BLACK JACK," RIGHT,

"'CAUSE HOW MUCH MONEY CAN I LOSE PLAYING BLACK JACK?

"A LOT! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET ONE OF THE MAGIC DEALERS.

YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT ALWAYS FINDS HER WAY TO "21"

NO MATTER WHAT SHE STARTS WITH.SHE GOES THROUGH LOGGER RHYTHMS,

SQUARE ROOTS, SHE GETS THERE. AT ONE POINT SHE GETS A 3,

AND THEN A 2,AND THEN A 16 OF SPADES.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT? THAT'S NOT A CARD."

"YOU LOSE. WANNA PLAY AGAIN?"

I WALK OUT AND SEEHER PICTURE ON THE WALL,"EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH."

[LAUGHTER]

I STAYED WITH AFRIEND OF MINE IN VEGAS.

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YOU'RE IN THE GUEST ROOM.

I GOT YOU AN INFLATABLE MATTRESS."

'CAUSE REALLY, NOTHING SCREAMS

"YOU'RE ONLY WELCOME FOR ONE NIGHT,"

LIKE THE INFLATABLE MATTRESS.

SAY HEY, I THREWA SHEET ON A POOL RAFT.HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

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