AND MY FAVORITE PLACEIN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
HAS GOT TO BE THE MEXICANPARTY SUPPLY STORE.
THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
DOESN'T MATTERWHICH ONE YOU GO TO.
YOU COULD BE IN QUEENS.
YOU COULD BE IN GUADALAJARA,SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
IDENTICAL.SPRAY-PAINTED STORE FRONT.
THERE'S SOME ROSES, AND IT SAYS,"WEDDINGS, FLOWERS,
RACHOTA, INCOME TAX,MUFFLERS"
AND THEN IT SAYS,"NOTARY AND BOUNCY HOUSE"
SQUEEZED IN ON THE SIDE'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T PLAN PROPERLY
FOR THE NUMBER OF BUSINESSESTHEY WERE GONNA ROLL OUT
OF THAT STORE FRONT,AND THEN THEY'VE GOT PIñATAS
HANGING OUT IN FRONT OFSUPERHEROES YOU CAN'T IDENTIFY.
I THINK THAT'S(bleep) SPIDER-MAN.
I'M NOT SURE.DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S GOT A CAPE.
AND THERE'S JUST SOME BARRIOGEPPETTO IN THE BACK
MAKING THE STUFF GOING,
(Latino accent)"YEAH, THIS IS SPIDER-MAN.
"HEY, STAN LEE,MY SPIDER-MAN CAN FLY.
"RUNS OUT OF OUT WEB,IT'S NOT AN ISSUE.
SEE YOU LATER,GREEN GOBLIN." (laughs)
I WENT IN THERE,
AND I REALIZEDWHAT THEY'RE DOING
JUST TO GET AROUND ALL THELICENSING LAWS,
THEY'RE CREATINGTHEIR OWN CHARACTERS.
YOU CAN ASK FOR ANYTHING,
AND THEY HAVETHEIR OWN VERSION OF IT.
YOU CAN TRY IT OUTWITH ANY CHARACTER.
YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU GUYSHAVE DORA THE EXPLORER?"
(Latino accent) "WELL,WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR.
"WE HAVE STACEYTHE SPELUNKER.
"SHE EXPLORES MOSTLY CAVES.
"SO SHE HAS A HEAD LAMP,AND SHE'S FRIENDS WITH A BAT.
(laughter)
"IT'S NOT A BACKPACK,JUST A FANNY PACK.
IT'S PRETTY SIMILAR."
"YOU GUYS HAVEA JIMMY NEUTRON BOY GENIUS?"
(Latino accent) "OH,WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR.
"WE HAVE CASEYTHE C+ STUDENT.
"HE DOESN'T BUILD ROCKET SHIPS,BUT HE READS AT HIGH LEVELS.
YEAH.SINGLE MOM, SO..."
(laughter)
I WENT IN THERE, AND I GOT ONEOF THEIR SPONGE TOM PIñATAS,
AND I BROUGHT THAT HOME.
NOW I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE'S RUNA PIñATA BEFORE.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT?
IT WAS DIFFICULT BECAUSEYOU GOT TO GET EVERYBODY A TURN.
NOW MY WIFE IS FRIENDSWITH ALL THESE L.A. HIPPIE,
NO-SUGAR MOMS SO I HAVE THESE3- AND 4-YEAR-OLDS
THAT HAVE NEVER SEENSUGARED CEREAL OR CANDY BEFORE
WALKING AROUND THIS PIñATA
WITH THIS CRAZED RAPEYHILLBILLY LOOK IN THEIR EYE.
THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WE'RE GONNAGET US SOME OF THIS STUFF."
(maniacal chuckle)
I ALSO INVITED ALL LATINO KIDSFROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOODIDEA TO INCLUDE EVERYBODY.
NOW THIS WASN'TTHEIR FIRST PIñATA.
THIS WASN'T THEIR FIRSTSPONGE TOM OF THAT DAY.
THEY HAD SEEN SOME ACTION,AND THEY'RE READY
TO GET IN THERE AND MESSSOME WHITE KIDS UP.
THEY WERE ORGANIZED.
THEY WERE ALL DOING THE PRE-GAMENBA THING AT ONE POINT.
THEY'RE READYTO DO SOME DAMAGE
BECAUSE THAT'S WHATA PIñATA INSPIRES.
IT'S LIKE, HEY, KIDS,
LET'S GET YOUR FAVORITECARTOON CHARACTER
AND LET'S LYNCH HIS ASS,AND THEN WE CAN ALL TAKE TURNS
BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF ITTILL HIS GUTS COME OUT.
WE CAN ALL SCRAMBLEFOR HIS SUGARY ENTRAILS.
WHO'S WITH ME?(imitates cheer)
SO I PUT AN 8-YEAR-OLD TO SHOWTHE LITTLE GUYS HOW TO DO IT.
RIGHT AWAY, FIRST BATTER,KNOCKS SPONGE TOM'S LEG OFF,
RIGHT, AND OUT OF HIS BALL SACKSHOOTS A JOLLY RANCHER
IN SLOW MOTION.
BLUE RASPBERRY COMES FIRING OUT,ESCAPE-POD STYLE,
FREEZES IN MID-AIR.
NOW IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTSWHERE TIME STOPPED,
AND YOU COULD SEE EVERYTHING.
MY WIFE IS FRIENDS WITH SOMEOF THE (bleep) PEOPLE
AND THE (bleep) KIDSTHAT GO ALONG WITH THEM.
WHERE THE KIDS WE HANG OUTWITH, FOR EXAMPLE,
RUBS HIS NIPPLESWHEN HE'S SCARED.
(laughter)
AND HE HAS A SEVERE UNDERBITE.
SO WE HAD TO HANG OUTWITH HIS ASS ON HALLOWEEN.
FRIGHTENED OF EVERY HOUSE WITHTHE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DECORATION,
COBWEBS, SOME DRY ICE.
(wails)
SO I LOOK OVER,HE'S ON THE SIDELINE
GREASING ONE UP,READY TO GET IN THERE.
LATINO KIDS ARE BOXING OUTPERFECTLY POISED,
READY TO GO.
THEN I GOT DISTRACTED BY ONEOF THE HIPPIE MOMS
WHO WAS BREASTFEEDING A KID
THAT WAS WAY TOO OLDTO BE BREASTFEEDING.
YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?IT'S DISGUSTING.
A CHILD SHOULD NOT BE OLD ENOUGHTO COMMENT ON THE QUALITY.
DO YOU GO TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY?'CAUSE THIS IS DELICIOUS.
IT'S LIKE DULCE DE LECHEMEETS RIESLING
COMING OUT OF THIS THING,AND I GOT TO SAY THANK YOU.
SO THE JOLLY RANCHERHITS THE FLOOR.
THE KIDS GO FILING IN THERE.THEY DISMEMBER SPONGE TOM.
CANDY GOES EVERYWHERE.
AS PREDICTED, LATINO KIDSGET ABOUT 80% OF THE CANDY.
MADRIGALS REPRESENT.WE GET ANOTHER 15%.
NIPPLE RUBBER, HIS CREW,
WHATEVERTHEY CAN GET THEIR HANDS ON.
PIECE OF NEWSPAPERFROM THE INTERIOR.
THEY'RE SATISFIEDWITH ANYTHING.
THAT'S WHEN MY WIFE DOESSOMETHING
I WISHED SHE HADN'T DONE,
SHE COMES IN LIKE SHE ALWAYSDOES, AND SHE GOES,
"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,IF YOU GOT A LOT OF CANDY,
"IF YOU COULD SHARE THE CANDY
WITH THE KIDS WHO DIDN'TGET A LOT OF--"
(high-pitched whining)
AND THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOTHOW MY WIFE SOUNDS,
THAT'S JUSTHOW SHE SOUNDS TO ME.
UH, SO--(laughter)
"IF YOU'RE GONNA GO TO THESTORE, CAN YOU PICK UP SOME--"
(high-pitched whine)
IT'S LIKE, "JUST (bleep)WRITE IT DOWN, I GOT IT."
SO IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE ENDOF THE STORY,
(chuckles) THE KIDS ENDED UPDOING THE RIGHT THING.
THEY LOOKED AT THEIR CANDY,
THEY LOOKED AT THE KIDSWITHOUT ANY CANDY,
THEY LOOKED AT MY WIFE,AND THEN THEY SAID,
"ADIOS, PENDEJA!"(laughter)