Brooks Wheelan - Fired and Single

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 1 01/11/2011 Views: 8,601

Brooks Wheelan is figuring out that girls are not into the drunkest guy at the party. (2:39)

-I'm single now.

Now I'm single, and I'm justlearning-- just figuring this

out-- girls are not into thedrunkest guy at the party.

That's not what they like.

And that's what I go for.

So it's not working out.

At no time ever aregirls like, did you

see that guy over therewho bit open that beer can?


And their friends are notlike, yeah, I saw him earlier.

I was really attractedto him when he petted

that dog too hardfor a little while.

I loved it.

Were you therewhen he made us all

dare him to eat a cigarette?

I'm in to him.

I love that guy.

I got broken up with.

I also got fired recently.

This is a great life I'm leadingright now, fucking great life.

I totally deserved it.

I was a biomedicalengineer for about a year

before they werelike, wait a second.

No, this isn't adding up.

Here's how I got fired.

I had a boss.

I hated her.

She was larger.

This is leading to what I do.

I take a picture of this womanopening up the refrigerator

at work, and then Iput that picture of her

in the refrigerator onTwitter with the caption,

looks like it's feeding time.

And she found it, because she'sa human who gets computers.

So she fired me, which makessense, because you cannot keep

an employee who treatsyou like a bear.

So she called me intoher den and was like,

listen, you're out of here.

I was like, that makes sense.

So I had to go geta new job, which

means I had to take a drug test.

I had to take a drugtest three weeks

after I quit smoking weed.

And I was nervous, because Iwasn't sure if three weeks was

enough time to get sevenyears of weed out of my body.

So super nervousabout this result.

And a week went byafter I took the test.

And I was like, man, theystill haven't called me.

I should call them andask if they got it in.

And then I realized, actually,Brooks, don't do that ever.

Don't call your potentialemployer and go,

hey, did you guys getmy drug test results in?

Because I am sweating bullets.