Jeff Ross - Tough News to Swallow

Jeff Ross Roasts America Season 1, Ep 101 08/11/2012 Views: 20,280

Jeff Ross is positive that there will be a quick cure for blow job cancer. (2:29)

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LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE ASMUCH LOVE AS POSSIBLE.

I MEAN,I READ A CRAZY ARTICLE

IN THE NEW YORK TIMESSCIENCE SECTION.

SOME OF YOUMAY HAVE SEEN THIS.

SOME MEDICAL RESEARCHERSTHINK THAT BLOW JOBS

COULD POTENTIALLYCAUSE CANCER.

DON'T PANIC, LADY.

IT'S NOT PROVEN YET.

SOME DOCTORS THINKTHAT THERE COULD BE A VIRUS

IN THE MAN'S SEMEN THAT,IF IT GETS IN YOUR THROAT,

COULD CAUSE CANCER.

THEY HAVEN'T PROVED IT YET.WE'LL KNOW WHEN THAT'S PROVEN

'CAUSE THAT'LL BETHE BIGGEST STORY IN HISTORY.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, BLOW JOBSCAUSE CANC--WAIT, HOLD ON.

[exhales]

WE FOUND A CUREFOR BLOW JOB CANCER.

WHEW!

SORRY, BREAST CANCER,

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAITA LITTLE LONGER.

DOCTORS HAD AN EMERGENCY.

I REPEAT, BLOW JOBSDO NOT CAUSE CANCER.

THAT WOULD BE TOUGH NEWSTO SWALLOW.

BACK TO YOU, KATIE.

THANKS, BOB.

IN OTHER NEWS,JEFF ROSS IS IN TOWN.

NO, I DON'T KNOWIF I'M A GOOD LOVER.

I'M GOOD AT THE--THE BUILD-UP, YOU KNOW?

THE--THE RAMP-UP.THE PREPRODUCTION.

THE, YOU KNOW,THE FOREPLAY.

WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO THE--[imitates bed squeaking]

I'M GONE IN 60 SECONDS.

I TOLD MY GIRLFRIENDWE NEED A SYSTEM, YOU KNOW?

KEEP ME FROM HAVINGAN ORGASM SO FAST.

I SAID, "WHAT IF YOUJUST, LIKE, WHISPER--

"IF WE HAD A CODE WORDTHAT YOU JUST WHISPERED

"THAT WOULD MAKE ME, LIKE,FLIP THE SWITCH IN MY HEAD

AND NOT--AND JUST LAST LONGER."

SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHAT DO YOUWANT YOUR CODE WORD TO BE?"

AND I DIDN'T THINKABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

I JUST THOUGHT OFTHE WORST THING EVER

THAT CAME TO MY MIND.

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW,JUST SAY, UH,

JUST SAY 'HOLOCAUST.'"

COUPLE MORNINGS LATER,WE'RE MAKING LOVE, AND--

NOTHING BETTERTHAN SOME MORNING LOVE,

AND WE'RE HAVINGSOME GRITS AND BAGELS.

AND WE'RE MAKING LOVE,AND IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL,

AND SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL,I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

AND SUDDENLY, SHE WHISPERSIN MY EAR, SHE SAYS,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE POOR6 MILLION JEWS WHO DIED

IN THE CONCENTRATION CAMPAT AUSCHWITZ."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T WANT A WIKIPEDIAPRINTOUT RIGHT NOW."

THEN I [bleep] ON HER TITSAND KILLED

ANOTHER 6 MILLION JEWS.