T.J. Miller - Never Said This to Anyone

T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Season 1, Ep 101 11/12/2011 Views: 12,750

There are only so many words in the English language that a man can say to a woman, and he's bound to repeat them at some point. (2:27)

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SHE DID SHE WENTTHROUGH MY EMAILS

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGHSOMEONE'S E-MAIL?

DID SHE FIND WHATSHE WAS LOOKING FOR?

DID SHE FIND SOME E-MAILTHAT WAS LIKE,

"HEY, IT'S ME, T.J., READ ALLOF THIS IN A WHISPERED TONE,

"I LOVE CHEATING ON YOUWITH MY GIRLFRIEND, OKAY?

"ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GO, SHE'SSITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

LOVE YOU MORE THANHER, T.J.."

NO, OF COURSE NOT, OKAY?

AND SHE EVEN WENT THROUGH PASTE-MAILS, YOU KNOW?

SHE WENT THROUGH E-MAILS

THAT I HAD SENT TOA COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND,

AND WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

WAS SHE JUST LIKE, "I WANT TOHAVE A TERRIBLE WEEK,"

YOU KNOW?

SHE CAME TO ME, THIS IS TRUE,AND SHE SAID,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL JERK.

"EVERYTHING THATYOU'VE SAID TO ME

YOU'VE SAIDTO SOME OTHER GIRL."

AND I FELT AWFUL,BUT I WAS LIKE, YEAH.

OF COURSE.

THERE'S ONLY A LIMITEDAMOUNT OF WORDS

IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

THAT MAKE SENSETO SAY TO A FEMALE.

IF YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM ONCE,YOU'RE GONNA RUN OUT

AND BE LIKE,"GARBAGE TRUCK, BANANA BOAT."

WHAT DID SHE WANT ME TO DO?

DID SHE WANT ME TOMAKE UP WORDS?

I WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW?I LOVED HER, YOU KNOW?

I WOULD HAVE GONE UP TOHER AND SAID,

"HEY, LISTEN TO ME,I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

"BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THATBECAUSE I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.

"INSTEAD, I WANNA TELL YOU

"THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELYFADDACKTUYAPUTZ.

"AND WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,IT IS SO 'SHAPOONGKAYUTZ.'

"AND I'VE NEVER SAID ANY OF THISTO ANYBODY BEFORE.

BUT WHEN WE MAKE LOVE,IT IS ABSOLUTELY--

(gibberish)"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSESHE WAS A PESSIMIST,

SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID,

"YOU PROBABLY SAID THAT TO SOMENATIVE AMERICAN GIRL."

I DON'T CARE IF YOU--I DON'TCARE IF YOU LIKE MY COMEDY

OR IF YOU THINK I'M FUNNY,IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME,

BECAUSE AFTER THE SHOW,

I'M PROBABLY GONNA GETA LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

MAYBE SOME OF THIS.

SOME OF THIS.

OR IF I'M REALLY LUCKY,TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT

I GET WHAT I'VE ALWAYSBEEN LOOKING FOR.

A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'SWEIRD ABOUT THAT ONE?

THOSE OF YOU THAT DIDN'TLIKE IT DON'T KNOW WHY.