ANNOUNCER: Put your handstogether for Jonah Ray.
-My usual pre-show ritualis to just get drunk.
But this is aprofessional environment,
so I'm going to do heroin.
I'm getting like thephysique of a junkie that's
also really in topizza and donuts.
Just like rightbefore nodding off.
If my parents saw my halfhour, they would probably just
be too busy being proud of me toeven notice what I was saying.
It really sucks havingsupportive parents.
It's really notgood for my comedy.
I was bragging to myfriends, I'm like,
hey, I'm moving inwith my girlfriend.
I can bone her whenever I want.
And they go, why?
I go, because I take out thetrash and I pay half the rent.
And then I realize that'sprobably what rapists think.
-The worst heckler I everhad was a large grizzly bear
of a person came on to thestage and tried to body slam
me, succeeded, and thentried to sit on my face
while pulling his pants down.
I screamed and the only thingbetween my face and his hole
was the microphone.
And no one helped me.
If I tried to ask out a girlI would just be like, hey,
you want to be bestfriends now or go
through that awkwardperiod before it happens?
Where I make you a mix CD andyou tell me about all the guys
The first joke I ever toldon stage was probably,
hey, don't fear the reaperbecause if he's anything
like the grim reaper from"Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey,"
you will have a trulynon-heinous time.
And I'm surprised no one shotme in the face after that.
I'm Jonah Ray.
Enjoy your burrito.
[cheers and applause]