Patton Oswalt - Selling Out at a Casino Pt. 1

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 13,420

While at a high-paying casino gig, Patton Oswalt enjoys his luxurious surroundings. (2:40)

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AND THE STORY'S GONNA START OFFSOUNDING LIKE A BRAG.

AND A LOT OF YOU ARE GONNA HEARIT AND GO, "WELL [BLEEP] YOU."

AND THEN -- BUT REST ASSURED,IT TURFS OUT SO HARD

THAT YOU GUYS

WILL END UP FEELINGWAY BETTER ABOUT THIS, OKAY?

RECENTLY, I WAS OFFEREDA GIG AT A CASINO.

I'D NEVER DONE A CASINO BEFORE.

AND IT WASUP IN WASHINGTON STATE --

THE TULALIP RESORT AND CASINO.

AND YEAH.

AND SO, NOT ONLY WAS ITAN OFFER TO DO A CASINO,

IT WAS THE MOST MONEYI'VE EVER BEEN OFFERED

TO DO ANYTHINGIN MY LIFE OR CAREER.

FOR ONE HOUR OF MY TIME,

THEY WERE NOT ONLY OFFERING MEA PROFANE AMOUNT OF MONEY,

AND THEY WEREN'T OFFERING MEAN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY.

THEY WERE OFFERING MEA SACRILEGIOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, JESUS SHOULD'VE COME DOWNAND KICKED ME IN THE FACE

WHEN I HEARD THE AMOUNT.

AND I HATE TO SAY THIS,BUT WHEN I HEARD THE AMOUNT,

MY LIZARD BRAIN KICKED INAND WENT,

"THE MONEY! I WANT IT!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OFF I GO TO THE TULALIPRESORT AND CASINO.

SO, I GET THERE,AND THEY'RE SO NICE TO ME.

THEY'RE SO NICE.

THE CLUB MANAGERMEETS ME AT THE DOOR.

SHE'S ALREADY CHECKED MEINTO MY ROOM.

I'M ALL READY TO GO.

WHISKS ME UP THERE,ME AND MY LUGGAGE.

I ENTER A HOTEL ROOM THAT WAS --AND I'M NOT EXAGGERATING --

BIGGER THAN ANY HOUSE ORAPARTMENT I HAVE EVER LIVED IN

IN MY LIFE.

IT WAS FIVE BEDROOMS,

A BATH THE SIZE OF A SMALL POOL,GIGANTIC.

GIGANTIC.

AND I'M MARVELING AT IT,

AND I'M NOT PAYINGMUCH ATTENTION TO HER.

AND I ONLY HALFWAY HEAR HER SAY,

"WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DOA V.I.P. MEET AND GREET

FOR OUR V.I.P.HIGH-ROLLER CUSTOMERS?"

AND I'M THINKING, "THEY'REPAYING ME SO MUCH MONEY.

THEY'RE BEING SO NICE TO ME."

ABSOLUTELY. YES. YES."

AND THEN SHE GOES,"OKAY, WELL,

"I WILL COME AND GET YOUAT QUARTER TO 7:00,

AND WE'LL DO IT AT 7:00."

AND THEN I SAID, "WELL,THE SHOW ISN'T TILL 9:00.

MAYBE DO IT AFTER THE SHOWBECAUSE I DON'T WANT --"

AND THEN I SAID OUT LOUD --

"I DON'T WANT TO RUINTHE MAGIC."

THE MAGICOF A PUDGY GUY GOING UP

AND WHINING ABOUT"LORD OF THE RINGS."

I DON'T WANT TO --

I DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE BEHIND