Pete Holmes - Things Adults Can Do

  • Season 14 , Ep 4
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 47,775

If Pete Holmes is a little hungry, he buys an ice cream cake, nibbles on it and throws the remainder at a homeless person. (3:41)

THIS IS THE LAST THINGI'LL MENTION.

I'M GLAD TO BE A GROWN PERSON.

ARE YOU GUYS GLAD TO BEAN ADULT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH. LOOK AT US,DOING WHATEVER WE WANT.

I THINK PEOPLE ROMANTICIZEWHAT IT MEANS TO BE A CHILD.

WE'VE FORGOTTEN.

PEOPLE WANT TO BE A KID AGAIN?NO, YOU DON'T.

IT SUCKS TO BE A KID.

I RECENTLY SAWA 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

TALKING TO A 10-YEAR-OLD BOY,

JUST GUSHINGAND BEING LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

"TO BE 10 AGAIN.

"WHOO!BE FAST AND SWIFT.

"SEE COLORAND SMELL THINGS AGAIN.

YEAH."

NO.YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A KID.

BEING A KID SUCKS.

THIS IS THE SOUND OF EVERY10-YEAR-OLD KID I'VE EVER SEEN.

ARE YOU READY?THIS IS THE SOUND.

[ WHINING ]

THAT'S IT.

YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T HEARDTHAT NOISE IN DECADES

'CAUSE YOU HAVE NO NEED FOR ITAS AN ADULT.

BUT AS A KID, IT'S ALL YOU HAVE.

JUST LIKE [WHINING]

FREAKIN' SNOT-NOSED,LIKE [WHINING]

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOWITH YOUR ARMS.

YOU'RE STILL KIND OF NEWWITH ARMS.

LIKE, "IS THIS NATURAL?"[ WHINES ]

MITTENS ATTACHED TO YOUR JACKET'CAUSE YOU'RE STUPID.

"OH, THERE THEY ARE."[ WHINES ]

ACTIVELY TRYINGTO NOT POOP YOUR PANTS,

'CAUSE IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGOTHAT YOU WERE ALLOWED TO.

BUT, HEY, NEW RULE,DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

SO YOU'RE WALKING AROUND,ARMS CLENCHING,

"SO MANY BALLS IN THE AIR."

IT SUCKS!YOU HAVE NO POWER.

I SAW A KIDWALKING WITH HIS DAD.

DAD IS WALKING A CAR LENGTHAHEAD OF HIM,

WHICH IS A DICK MOVE.

KID'S BEHIND HIM,

TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH HISPATHETIC LITTLE KID LEGS, GOING,

"DAD [WHINES]

"DAD?

"DADDY?

"DAD?

"I DROPPED MY HAT, DAD.

"WHERE'S MY HAT, DAD?

"I LOST IT.

I DROPPED MY HAT."

DAD DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP.

HE'S NOT EVEN TURNINGTHE FULL WAY AROUND.

HE GOES, "BRADLEY!

YOUR HAT IS GONE, BRADLEY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LEAVE IT, BRADLEY!YOUR HAT IS GONE!"

THE KID CAME BACK TO THE DEBATEWITH "[WHINES]"

"SCREW YOUR HAT.YOUR HAT'S GONE."

SCREW THAT!I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN.

IF I LOSE A HAT,I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]

I HAVE MONEY, CASH ON ME NOW.

I LOSE ONE, I GO BUY TWO,THROW ONE IN THE STREET,

WEAR THE OTHERLIKE A VICTORY CROWN.

NOBODY'S TALKING TO ME THAT WAY.

YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY,I PUNCH YOU IN THE HEART.

DO YOU GET IT?

I SAW A DIFFERENT KID,SAME KIND OF DAD,

FOLLOWING HIS DAD GOING, "DAD?

[WHINES]DAD, I'M HUNGRY."

'CAUSE YOU'RE STUPIDAND YOU CAN'T FEED YOURSELF.

[ WHINES ]

SAME KIND OF DAD, JUST GOES,

"DYLAN, YOU JUST HAD A BANANA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ WHINES ]

YOU'RE NOT EATING TODAY, DYLAN.

[ WHINES ]

YOU WANT TO BE LIKE, "WHY AREYOU SPEAKING TO ME THIS WAY?"

ALL THAT COMES OUT IS "[WHINES]"

SCREW THAT!I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN.

IF I'M EVEN A LITTLE HUNGRY,I'LL GO TO A FREAKING CARVEL

AND BUY AN ICE-CREAM CAKEJUST FOR A NIBBLE,

SMEAR THE RESTON MY FACE LIKE A GEISHA,

THROW THE REMAINDERAT A HOMELESS PERSON.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I WRITE MY OWN RULES.

I TAKE DayQuil AT NIGHT!

DO YOU GET IT?

I'LL WEAR A BATHROBE IN PUBLICJUST FOR A MONTH,

JUST FOR THE FREEDOM OF IT,JUST A ROBE.

WHO'S GONNA TELL ME NOT TO?YOU?

I'LL KILL YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CAN RENT A CAR.THINK ABOUT THAT.

AFTER THIS SHOW, $50,I CAN GO TO AN ENTERPRISE.

THEY'LL GIVE ME KEYS TO A CARTHAT I DON'T OWN.

JUST, "HERE YOU GO, GROWN-UP."

"THANKS, GROWN-UP."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL GET THE INSURANCE, TAKEA DUMP IN THE PASSENGER'S SEAT,

DRIVE INTO THE RIVER,AND SWIM TO THE SHORE.

MEANWHILE, A KID IS LIKE,"CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM?"

[ WHINES ]

I JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOMIN A RENTED SMART CAR.

IT'S BETTER TO BE A GROWN-UP.YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN!

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