John Oliver - Home Security

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 01/15/2010
  • Views: 8,464

The British government had to release a statement saying, 'You Can't Kill Burglars.' (2:04)

THERE'S A BIG DEBATE AROUND GUNSIN ENGLAND AT THE MOMENT,

PARTLY OVER WHAT YOU CANAND CAN'T DO TO A BURGLAR

WHO YOU FIND IN YOUR HOME.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TONIGHTIF YOU WENT HOME

AND YOU FOUND A BURGLARIN YOUR HOUSE?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

SHOOT HIM?"SHOOT HIM," SAID THE MAN.

NOT EVEN WAITING FOR METO FINISH THAT QUESTION.

HE WAS LIKE, "SHOOT.OBVIOUSLY, I WOULD SHOOT HIM."

D-DO YOU HAVE A GUN?

(man) NO.NO. OKAY.

(laughter)WELL, THEN I THINK WE'VEDETECTED THE ACHILLES' HEEL

IN YOUR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.(laughter)

"NO, I DON'T.

BUT I EXPECT HIM TO OBEYTHE RULE OF THE PLAYGROUND."

PE-OW! PE-OW!

"OOH, YOU GOT ME.OOH.(laughter)

"OH, GOOD SHOT.WOW!

"CAREFUL, DON'T BURGLE HIM.

HE'S ARMED TO THE TEETH,THAT ONE."

(laughter)

SOMEHOW, IN ENGLAND,A FARMER GOT HOLD OF A GUN,

AND HE WAS BURGLED,

AND HE SHOT THIS BURGLARSEVEN TIMES IN THE BACK

IN SELF-DEFENSE,

AND IT SPARKED A BIG DEBATEIN ENGLAND

ABOUT WHAT YOU CANAND CAN'T DO TO A BURGLAR.

IT GOT SO BAD,

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT HADTO RELEASE A STATEMENT SAYING,

"YOU CAN'T KILL BURGLARS."(laughter)

"YOU CAN'T KILL BURGLARS."

UNFORTUNATELY,OUR NATIONAL PRESS IN BRITAIN

IS EVEN WORSE THAN YOURS,(laughter)

AND THEY RAN WITH HEADLINESSUCH AS "YOU CAN KILL BURGLARS"(laughter)

WHICH, TO BE FAIR TO THEM,WAS CLOSE.

(laughter)

BUT COULD IT HAVE NOT BEENTHAT LITTLE BIT CLOSER?

IT GOT EVEN WORSE WHEN ONE PAPERMANAGED TO ADD A MISPRINT

TO THIS MISINFORMATIONWHEN THEY RAN WITH THE HEADLINE

"YOU CAN KILL BUGLERS."

(laughter)

AND LET ME TELL YOU,THAT LITTLE TYPO COST THE LIVES

OF 17 OF OUR FINESTVALVE-LESS BRASS ENTHUSIASTS.

IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE BLOODBATH.

EVERY TIME ONE BUGLER GOT UPTO PLAY THE LAST POST

FOR THE PREVIOUS DEAD BUGLER,

THE MOB SPOTTED HIMAND RIPPED HIM APART.(laughter)

RIPPED HIM TO PIECES.

HE DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST JOKEYOU WILL HEAR THIS EVENING.

(laughter)

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