Pete Holmes - Dollar Store

Mata, Williams, Holmes, Smiley Season 9, Ep 912 08/20/2009 Views: 10,398

Pete Holmes gets freaked out by his wife. (1:32)

YEAH, SHOPPIN' AT THE DOLLAR STORE, BIG SPENDER.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS, THOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU THINKTHE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT IS

AT THE DOLLAR STORE?

DO YOU THINK IT'S JUST, "TAKE IT"?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS ARE AFRAID OF IDENTITY THEFT,

BUT I JUST WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A PAPER SHREDDER.

YEAH. I LOVE IT. SHRED EVERYTHING. RECEIPTS...

- THE MANUAL. - [LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THAT THE PAPER SHREDDER CAM WITH A MANUAL,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE FIRST TO GO.LAST THING I'LL MENTION,

I DON'T KNOWIF THIS IS A WOMAN THING,

BUT I WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH MY WIFE TODAY.

OUT OF THE BLUE SHE JUST LEANS OVER TO ME AND GOES,

"PETE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW.

"IF I EVER GET REALLY SICK AND I'M IN THE HOSPITAL,

"IT'S OKAY IF YOU WANNA MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE

AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE."

[SILENCE]

YOU FEEL HOW TENSE IT IS RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S HOW TENSE IT WAS. SHE MEANT IT TO BE SWEET.

BUT SHE REALLY JUST FREAKED ME OUT.

LIKE NEXT TIME I HAVE THE FLUSHE'LL BE LIKE,

- "THIS IS JULIO." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]