Tig Notaro - Up Your Ass

  • Season 8 , Ep 21
  • 05/13/2004
  • Views: 16,505

If something is stuck up your ass, you want to involve as few people as possible. (3:57)

OH, I WAS AT A PARTY, AND THIS

GUY WAS HITTING ON ME.

BUT HE WAS HITTING ON ME WITH

THE MOST BORING QUESTIONS.

ONE OF THEM WAS-- IF YOU COULD

GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD,

WHERE WOULD YOU GO?

AND I WAS LIKE, "ANYWHERE?"

AND HE WAS LIKE, "ANYWHERE?"

I WAS LIKE--

"TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"NOW PLEASE, GET OUT OF THE WAY

OF A WOMAN AND HER DREAM."

[LAUGHTER]

I--

AT THAT SAME PARTY, I MET THIS

DOCTOR THAT WAS TELLING ME ABOUT

THAT WHOLE PHENOMENON OF PEOPLE

PUTTING THINGS IN PARTS OF THEIR

BODY FOR PLEASURE.

AND ENDING UP GETTING THEM

STUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

THINGS LIKE LIGHT BULBS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS.

BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL THIS

PARTICULAR CONVERSATION THAT IT

DAWNED ON ME.

HOW LONG YOU GOTTA BE TRYING

TO GET THAT OUT OF YOUR ASS

BEFORE YOU GO FOR HELP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GOTTA BE HOURS...

IF NOT DAYS.

LIKE I DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE

JUST LIKE--

[HEAVY SIGH]

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MAN.

LIGHT BULB WON'T COME OUT OF

MY ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHOOT.

MAYBE I'LL GIVE THE NEIGHBORS

A CALL, SEE IF THEY'LL SWING BY.

LIKE, I IMAGINE YOU WANT TO

INVOLVE AS FEW PEOPLE AS

POSSIBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

PROBABLY DON'T JUST PICK UP THE

PHONE REAL QUICK AND GO,

"CHRIS, MAN, IT'S JIM.

LISTEN...

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A LIGHT BULB CRAMMED UP

MY ASS.

YES, AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD

RUN ME BY THE ER.

YEAH, WHENEVER IS GOOD FOR YOU.

IN FACT, I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE

NOW AND WAIT FOR YOU ON MY

HANDS AND KNEES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T DRIVE YOURSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT COMFORTABLY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT'S LIKE YOU GET TO THE ER,

PROBABLY SCRAMBLING FOR STORIES.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO IN AND TELL

THE TRUTH.

EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW, THAT

YOU KNOW, THAT THEY KNOW,

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T JUST TELL THE TRUTH.

PROBABLY LIKE, "OH, GOD.

LET'S SEE.

I WAS SITTING ON THIS LIGHT

BULB.

[LAUGHTER]

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE KIDS LEAVE THINGS OUT ALL

THE TIME.

I'M SURPRISED THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN

ANY SOONER.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, SERIOUSLY, MY ASS IS

AFRAID OF THE DARK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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