John Oliver - Flightless Bird

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 01/22/2010
  • Views: 10,908

Snorting cocaine off a penguin's beak is the worst imaginable way to imbibe that drug. (1:48)

LIKE I AM OCCASIONALLY,YOU GET HEROIC SENTENCES

SPEWED AT YOU BY STRANGERSIN THE STREETS.

WELL, BACK HERE--RIGHT HEREIN NEW YORK,

THIS GUY CAME UP TO MEAND HE SAID,

"I LOVE THE DAILY SHOW."

AND I SAID, THANK YOU."

AND AGAIN,THAT COULD HAVE BEEN IT.

BUT, NO.

HE HAD SOMETHING SPECIALBREWING IN HIS FACE.

HE SAID TO ME--I PROMISE YOU THIS IS TRUE.

HE SAID, "I IMAGINE YOU SPENDYOUR WHOLE DAY AT WORK

SITTING AROUND THE OFFICE,SNORTING COCAINE

OF A PENGUIN'S BEAK."

(laughter)

WHERE TO BEGIN?

FIRST,THAT IS NOT A PHRASE.

SECONDLY,I'VE NEVER TAKEN COCAINE,

NOR DO I INTEND TO, BUT FROMWHAT I KNOW OF THAT DRUG,

SNORTING IT OFFA PENGUIN'S BEAK,

WOULD BE ONE OF THE WORSTIMAGINABLE WAYS

TO IMBIBETHAT SUBSTANCE.

PENGUINS ARE EASILYSTARTLED CREATURES...

(laughter)

LIABLE TO PANIC IF A STRANGEHUMAN BEING LUNGES TOWARDS THEM

NOSE-FIRST,BEFORE WADDLING BACK

TO THEIR NATURAL HABITAT,WATER,

WHICH IS PRETTY MUCHKRYPTONITE TO POWDER.

(laughter)

ALSO I'VE NEVER OWNEDA PENGUIN.

NOR DO I INTEND TO.

BUT IF I'M EVER GIVENTHE SACRED RESPONSIBILITY

OF BEING CUSTODIAN OF ONEOF THOSE FLIGHTLESS BIRDS,

I WILL LOVE THAT PENGUIN!(laughter)

I WILL NOT SEEITS PRIMARY PURPOSE

AS BEING A BALANCING POINTFOR CLASS "A" NARCOTICS.

(cheers and applause)

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