Frank Caliendo - John Madden

  • Season 8 , Ep 4
  • 02/05/2004
  • Views: 17,226

John Madden stuffs things into sentences like sardines in a can. (3:12)

I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON

FOOTBALL SEASON, MY FAVORITE

TIME OF YEAR.

NOW, I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT

THE TEAMS, AND I DON'T CARE

ABOUT THE PLAYERS.

I ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE PERSON

DURING FOOTBALL SEASON, MY IDOL,

JOHN MADDEN.

YEAH, SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

HIM.

I LOVE JOHN MADDEN BECAUSE

HE MAKES ME FEEL SMART.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DOES.

JOHN MADDEN EXPLAINS THINGS IN

THE FOOTBALL GAME YOU ALREADY

KNOW.

HE DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY NEW

INFORMATION.

HE JUST SAYS THE SAME THING IN

THE BEGINNING OF THE SENTENCE

THAT HE SAYS AT THE END OF THE

HE'LL SAY THINGS LIKE, "GREAT

FOOTBALL.

THIS IS ABOUT GREAT FOOTBALL.

YOU GOT GREAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS

PLAYING GREAT FOOTBALL.

THAT'S THE BEST KINDA FOOTBALL

TO PLAY.

BUT WHEN YOU GOT--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT WHEN GOT REGULAR PLAYERS

PLAYING GREAT FOOTBALL,

THAT IS RIGHT THERE, THAT'S

JUST REGULAR GREAT FOOTBALL."

THEN HE GOT THE MADDEN LAUGH,

"I NEED MY INHALER.

I'M OKAY."

IT'S LIKE MIKEY IN

"THE GOONIES, WHEN HE WAS

UNDERNEATH THE WISHING WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S SO RIDICULOUS, HE COULD

DRIVE A GUY TO DRINKING, WHICH

EXPLAINED PAT SOMMERALL'S

PROBLEM, DIDN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I LOVE PAT SOMMERALL.

SHAME ON FOX AND ABC FOR

BREAKING UP THE BERT AND ERNIE

OF FOOTBALL.

SOMMERALL HAD THE GREATEST

VOICE OF ALL TIME.

NEVER USED IT, THOUGH.

IF YOU PLAY THE VIDEO GAME,

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT, THOUGH.

GUY WOULD BE RUNNING DOWN

THE FIELD.

SOMMERALL COULD PAINT A

BEAUTIFUL PICTURE WITH THE

ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

"DID HE 20, DID HE 25?

THERE'S THE FLAG ON THE PLANK

AFC.

IF THE REFEREE IF HE

THROWS THE FLAG IN AND HE DIDN'T

MAKE A MISTAKE, THEN THERE'S

PROBABLY-- THERE IS PROBABLY

GONNA-- GONNA-- GONNA--

GONNA BE-- GONNA BE A PENALTY."

THANKS, JOHN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID YOU EVER HEAR MADDEN

DO THIS?

HE'LL TAKE, LIKE, 35,

40 BILLION DIFFERENT THINGS,

THROW 'EM ALL INTO ONE SENTENCE

'CAUSE HE THINKS THEY GO

TOGETHER.

SOMMERALL NEVER SAID ANYTHING,

'CAUSE HE'D BEEN DRINKING

SINCE LAST SUNDAY.

SOME OF YOU GUYS KNOW THE

FEELING.

MATTED STUFF IN SENTENCES

TOGETHER LIKE SARDINES IN A CAN,

LIKE, "SOMETIMES YOU CAN TELL

THESE...

NOW YOU KNOW THERE WAS A TIME

NOW MICHAEL IRVIN A COUPLE

YEARS AGO I HAD A CRACK PIPE

ON THE SIDELINE.

YOU COULD TELL THAT WAS THE

KINDA THING.

AND HE IN A PLACE WITH THE

HELPFUL HARDWARE MAN, THERE'S

A RAINBOW OUT TODAY.

MET AT AN OUTBACK STEAK HOUSE.

I HAD A DR. PEPPER ON MY WAY

OVER TO RAINBOW WORKS.

YOU GOT THE SUN OVER HERE.

AND THERE'S A CLOUD OVER HERE

AND THEN THE RAIN COMES DOWN.

HEY, LOOK, THAT'S PRETTY RAIN.

AND THE SUN SHINES THROUGH IT.

THAT'S A RAY OF SUN, AND NOT

LIKE RAY ROMANO.

HEY, RAY ROMANO, THAT GUY'S

GOT A GOOD SHOW.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.

I LIKE THE TALL GUY AT THE END

OF THE RAINBOW THERE IS A POT

OF GOLD AND A LEPRECHAUN,

HE'S LOOKING FOR HIS LUCKY

CHARMS.

AND BRETT FARB--

BRETT FARBER'S THE GREATEST

PLAYER IN THE WORLD.

I MEAN, [LAUGHS]

BRETT FARB-- YOU CAN CUT OFF

BOTH BRETT FARB'S ARMS AND BOTH

HIS LEGS, HE'D STILL BE THE BEST

TORSO IN FOOTBALL.

I MEAN, [LAUGHS] ONE TIME

BRETT FARB AND I WENT TO

ACE HARDWARE, WE MAKE SOME KEYS,

PUT 'EM IN A PILE, TRY AND

FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE OPENS UP

THE BUS.

I MEAN, THAT'S FIVE OR SIX HOURS

OF FUN RIGHT THERE.

THEN BRETT FARB ONE TIME--

BUT SEE, NO, HERE'S THE THING.

BRETT FARB ONE TIME, HE HAD A

DOG ON HIS LEG AND ONCE A

FARMER HAD A DOG.

AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O.

I LEARNED HOW TO SPELL BINGO

IN THIRD GRADE, I-N-G-O,

CLAP AND SAID THE B DOG WAS

LICKIN'.

HE GOT A RASH THERE AND WANTS

TO GET RID OF IT.

BOOM, TOUGH ACTING TENACTIN

WILL GET RID OF IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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