Jeff Dunham - Running Off

Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity Season 1, Ep 0101 08/23/2007 Views: 428,973

Walter grumbles about handicapped parking spot abuse and his ideal job. (3:02)

TO BE HERE?

>> OH, OVERJOYED.

LAST WEEK, I WAS LYING ON

A BEACH IN MAUI AND I COULDN'T

DECIDE, "GEE, SHOULD I STAY IN

HAWAII OR GO TO

FRICKIN' SANTA ANA?"

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S HOT AS HELL OUTSIDE...

MY SKIN'S ALL DRY AND ITCHY.

YOU PUT ME IN A SWEATER.

SURE AS HELL, NOT GONNA ASK YOU

FOR LOTION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MOCKING LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

>> YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

DO THIS.

>> YEAH, I COULD GET A REAL JOB.

>> [CHUCKLING] WHAT WOULD

YOU DO?

>> I WANT TO BE A GREETER

AT WAL-MART.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Woman: WHOO!

>> Man: YEAH!

>> WHAT THE HELL'S SO FUNNY?

[LAUGHTER]

>> AT WAL-MART, WHAT WOULD BE

YOUR OPENING LINE?

>> OH... [CLEARS THROAT].

WELCOME TO WAL-MART.

GET YOUR [BEEP] AND GET OUT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[SARCASTICALLY]: HAVE

A NICE DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ANYTHING ELSE WRONG?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

MY WIFE AND I COULDN'T FIND ANY

PLACE TO PARK ANYWHERE NEAR THIS

STINKING JOINT.

AND SOME JERK PULLED UP IN

A BRAND-NEW MERCEDES- GOES RIGHT

IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT.

HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.

DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

>> All: YEAH!

>> SO I RAN HIS ASS OVER.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I MADE AN HONEST MAN OUT OF HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN HIS MOTHER GOT OUT THE

OTHER SIDE- STARTED SWINGING

HER CRUTCHES AT ME.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANING]

TOOK HER OUT WITH THE DOOR.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DON'T YOU FEEL KIND OF BAD?

>> AH, HELL, THEY CAN CAR POOL.

[LAUGHTER]

>> GOOD THING THE POLICE DIDN'T

SEE YOU.

>> I AIN'T AFRAID OF THE COPS

AROUND SANTA ANA.

YOU SEEN SOME OF THESE GUYS?

>> WHAT?

>> COPS ON BICYCLES.

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

>> HOW INTIMIDATING IS THIS:

"ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, PULL IT

OVER..." [IMITATES BIKE BELL]

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY ARREST

SOMEBODY... "ALL RIGHT, IN

THE BASKET."

[LAUGHTER]

>> SO YOUR WIFE'S IN TOWN?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> SHE HAVING A GOOD TIME?

>> SHE ALWAYS HAS A GOOD TIME.

>> GOOD.

>> PISSES ME OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SHE'S A LOVELY LADY.

>> SHE'S GETTING OLD.

>> WELL, WOMEN AGE LIKE...

LIKE FINE WINE.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

>> SHE'S AGING LIKE MILK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU GUYS GET INTO ANOTHER

ARGUMENT THIS MORNING?

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

SHE ROLLED OUT OF BED, JUMPED ON

HER MENSTRUAL CYCLE AND RAN MY

ASS OVER.

[LAUGHTER]