Air high fives.
Come on, New York City,put them up there.
Air high fives,no one is really doing it.
Air high fives.
Good to be here,you didn't it at all.
It's fun for me, I get to saymy name as often as I want.
One more time.You're attractive,
we're going to have sex later.
Mike Kosta, how are you?
Mike Kosta, good to be here.
Not even listening.
Mike Kosta, how are you?Good to be here.
Mike Kosta, thank you,that's better.
Now we're not goingto have sex later.
This is great to be here,thanks for coming out.
Went over to my parents' houseto have dinner the other day.
When I say "go overto my parents' house,"
I mean walk down the stairs.
My dad's an atheist,doesn't believe in God,
but he still demands on sayinggrace before every meal.
Well, how do you say graceif you don't believe in God
and if you can't startwith "Dear Father," right?
So what my dad does is,we all hold hands,
we bow our headsand he says,
"To whom it may concern."
My mom gets mad.
My mom says I acttoo cocky on stage, yeah.
I told her, "Nobody speaksto Kosta that way."
Who's with me?Come on.
Mike Kosta.Who's with me?
Mike Kosta.How are you?
No one did it.
I have a German girlfriend.
Yeah, and it's weird for me,
because I'm American,I love America.
So whenever we have sex,
I feel like I'm cheating onthe United States, you know?
The only way I canconvince myself it's okay
is if I pretend that my penisis a machine gun
and she's a neo-Nazi.
"This is for freedom, you Nazibitch," you know, and it's...
But she still won't wearthe helmet though,
which pisses me off.
If you didn't like that joke,you're a Nazi.
That's what's happening.
Come to a couple of conclusionsin my dating.
First conclusion:If I meet a woman
and she has a nice ass,she has a boyfriend. Okay?
But if I meet a womanand she has a great ass,
well, she's in high school.
And what grade are you in,table 12?
Is this your boyfriendright here?
Not really?Your husband.
Oh, even better.Perfect.
Well, in case you'relooking for an upgrade,
my name is Mike Kosta,call me after the show.
That's for you.
I could take you.