Brian Regan - Boo Sailboat

Blunder 11/04/2016 Views: 5,317

While on the campaign trail with a famous dog, Brian Regan is forced to give a confusing speech to amped-up hockey fans. (12:06)

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- Now they're all booing.

Now it's unanimous.

It's the loudest thingI'd ever heard.

It was...


[percussive music]

- [screaming]

[dark electronic music]


[all screaming]


- [growling]

[cheers and applause]

- One of the best comicsof all time--

I'm super stokedhe's on the show--

please give it up forMr. Brian Regan, everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

- Years ago I was a campaignmanager for a dog.


I'm not lying.I was a campaign manager

for a dog.I'm not making this up.

You guys know...

remember Bud Lighthad Spuds MacKenzie?

crowd: Yeah.- Yeah?

Well, I wasn't qualifiedto be his campaign manager,

but I was the campaign managerfor Alex the Dog

from the Stroh's beercommercials.

Now, Stroh's beer used to be

one of the most popular beersin the country.

And then I got involved.

The Stroh's ads,they would have--

Alex would go get beersfor his owner,

and everybody loved the ad,so they thought,

"Let's capitalize on this.

Let's have him run forpresident of the United States."


So Alex can't talk'cause he's a dog,

so they thought, "Let's get,like, a funny campaign manager,"

and that's whereI failed miserably.


And what they would do is,they wanted us to go around

to different cities,and we had to do, like,

six, seven, eight events a daywith this dog,

and I had to dothis campaign speech

to get this dog elected.

I'm not exaggeratingwhen I say that

every single one of these events

was worse than any hell gig

I've ever done before or since.

And I had like, eight a day.

We would have do radio stations.

We wouldn't bring Alex,'cause he's a dog...


And can't talk.

And we'd show up and they'd go,"Where's Alex?"

And I'm like, "Well,I don't know if they told you,

"but Alex is a dog.

He ain't got no vocal cordsor nothing."

I don't know if that's true,but...


He can't talk.And then--

I said, "I'm Brian.I'm his campaign manager.

I'm gonna do all the talking."

They go, "Oh!"

I'm like, "Damn."

We go into the studio,and they would have a microphone

on the floor,

with a bowl of water,

and they would say,"We were hoping

we'd get him to barkinto the microphone."

And I'm like, I gotta geta manager or something

'cause I'm getting upstagedby a dog that ain't here.

We would have to go malls,supermarkets, and I had to,

like, try to get the dogelected, and...


I would say,"Man, he's a great dog.

"You really--look at him, man.

"You should vote for him.

He's got great ideas."

And the handler for the dogwould sometimes just say,

"Alex needs a break,"

and he'd just tug on his leash

and he'd just leave

for like,20 minutes to a half an hour.

I needed a guy with a leash

tugging on me,"Brian needs a break."

I was getting no breaks.

So I would tellthe Stroh's people,

"What do you want me to dowhile Alex is gone?"

And they would say, "Well, justdo the campaign speech anyway."

And I'm like,"There's no dog here."


They say, "Do it anyway."

So as people are walking by,I'd go,

"Man, he's a fantastic dog.

You really got to hearhis ideas."

People are looking, going,

"What--what is this guytalking about?

"There's no dog.

Somebody should geta straightjacket for this guy."

It was horrible.Every--

I was having nightmaresat night.

I was literallyhaving nightmares.

I would wake upin the middle of the night

go, "Aah! Aah!Oh...oh."

And then I didn't knowwhether it was better to go

back to sleep or to stay awake,

because both of them werehell on Earth.

It ended up--we were in Minneapolis.

This is true.

I get in the car in the morningand they said,

"All right, here's the deal,Brian.

"You're gonna bombin the morning on the radio,

"and then you're gonna bombat the supermarket,

"then you're gonna bombon local TV,

"then you're gonna bombat a pub,

"and then tonight we're goingto an NHL hockey game.

"It's betweenthe Minnesota North Stars

against the Chicago Blackhawks."

And I said, "Great.So when we're done,

we get to, like,enjoy a hockey game?"

And he said,"We're not gonna be done.

"You're gonna go on center icebetween second and third period,

"and you're gonnado the campaign speech

to get this dog elected."

Now, at this point,we were in the car

going about 60 miles an hour.

If I'd been smart,I would have opened the door

and just taken my chanceswith the roadside gravel.

We get to the hockey arenathat night.

My heart is pounding.I'm from Miami, Florida.

I've never beento a hockey match.

I'd never seen ice.


I don't want to do this.

I don't want anything to dowith this.

During second period,there's a fight, an NHL fight.

Gloves off, blood,teeth all over the place,

and I'm thinking,"Wow, this is cool.

I've never seen a hockey fight."

And then I went,"Wait.

I have to followa hockey fight."


Buzzer ended.

Stroh's people came up and said,"We're gonna do something

"a little different, Brian.

"What we're gonna do is we'regonna put Alex on the Zamboni,

"and we're gonnadrive him around

and just let him circle aroundthe arena on the Zamboni."

I said, "Fantastic.So you don't need me."

They said,"Oh, no.

"You're still going outthere to center ice

"to do the campaign speech,

but we thoughtit would be nice if Alex"...


"Is circling youon the Zamboni."

I'm like, "Can't you think ofany more obstacles?

"Why don't we get an NHL guy

to fire some slapshots at me?"

So they get on the voice of God.

"Ladies and gentlemen,please welcome

from the Stroh's beercommercials, Alex the Dog."

And the Zamboni comes out.

Alex is, like, confused.


He's sitting next to the driver.

The crowd is going berserk.

They just saw a hockey fight.

Now they're seeing a dogon a Zamboni.


They're plenty entertained.

They don't need to seewhat is about to happen.


"And now please welcomethe campaign manager:

Brian Regan."

They don't explainthat I'm his campaign manager.

They don't sayhe's running for president.

There's no context whatsoever.

Just, "Please welcomethe campaign manager:

Brian Regan."

So I walk out.

I'd never been on ice,so I don't want to go fast.

I'm just walking slowto 12,000 people going,

"Who the hell is this guy?"

I slowly walk out to center iceand I'm thinking,

who--who am I?

Wh--why am I--and I'm looking around,

I'm seeing just Alex going byon the Zamboni.

And I keep turningthe opposite direction

and I just keep seeing him.

And I'm like,"What happened to me and my life

"that I'm here now?

What choices have I madeto be here now?"

12,000 completely confusedpeople.

I'm not smart enough to resetand go, "Hey, he didn't tell you

Alex is running for pre"--I don't say nothing.

I just go, "Hey, how aboutthat election, huh?"



What's this guy talking about?"

And I said, "You know,a lot of people think

this electionis going to the dogs."


"We might as well vote forsomebody who's qualified."

People start booing.

I start hearing this low,"Boo.


And I'm like,"What the hell is going on?"

And I just keep turning around,and everywhere I look

I just see round lips.



I see Alex going by,

"What the heck's going on?"


So I figure, "Well, maybe I'llget them with the next joke.

"Bush and Dukakis.

"Dukakis, that sounds likesomething Alex might do

in a bush."


Now they're all booing.


Now it's unanimous.

It's the loudest thingI'd ever heard.

It was louderthan any jet engine.

It was...



And I--and I just--I thought,"Well, it's not smart

"to face the boos.I'll turn around,"

like over here it's gonna bepeople throwing roses.


Over here, "Boo!"

Everywhere, round lips.

Kids, "Boo!"

Little old ladies, "Boo!"

The Zamboni driver was booing.


Alex was booing."Boo!"

So I'm thinking, "This ain'tdoing nobody no good."

I said, " guys have been great!"


"I'm gonna get out of here.

"I just wanted to come outand have a good time

with you, so good day!"


With all the circling,I couldn't remember

what direction I had come from,so I'm just walking going,

"I don't thinkthis is the right way."



And I see this guywith a security vest going...

So I have to turn.



And from the fight there wereblood and teeth all over.

I had to move--I didn't want to go fast,

'cause I didn't want thisto be the end.

And I look at the exitand it's this little square

rectangle and it looks likeit's a million miles away,

and the closer I get,the smaller the rectangle gets.

It's, like,mathematically impossible.

So I realized with the boos,I didn't even need to walk.


All I had to do was stop,

and the force of the boos

was push--it was likea boo sailboat.

I just put my arms out.


And it literally pushed methrough the little hole,

and the next day,Stroh's filed for bankruptcy.


You guys are great, man.Thank you.