Julian McCullough - Cat Lady

  • Season 14 , Ep 7
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 30,260

Julian McCullough did not wake up one day with the plan to confuse his guy friends. (2:24)

'CAUSE I W--WELL, I WAS GONNA DIE.

AND, UH...IT HAS BEEN AMAZING.

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.

I HAVE DREAMS NOW.

NOT FOR MY FUTURE.

AT NIGHT, WHEN I GO TO SLEEP,I'LL DREAM.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T DREAMFOR 10 YEARS.

DID YOU KNOW IF YOU GO TO BEDWASTED, YOUR BRAIN CAN'T DREAM?

IT'S LIKE A MEDICAL THING.

I HAVE MY OWN THEORY, AND THAT'STHAT YOUR BRAIN IS LIKE,

"DUDE,I'M NOT GONNA ENTERTAIN YOU

AFTER WHAT YOU JUST DID TO MEFOR THE LAST SIX HOURS."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"OH.

"OH, YOU WANT TO FEELWHAT IT'S LIKE TO FLY?

"GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

"I'LL BE UP ALL NIGHTWITH YOUR LIVER,

FIGURING OUTHOW WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT TO 50."

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM, BUT, YEAH, I ALSO --WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED?

OH, I GOT A CAT.YEAH.

I'M A SINGLE STRAIGHT DUDEWITH A CAT.

IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL.I LOOKED IT UP ONLINE.

AND, UH,I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF NERVOUS,

'CAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD AGIRLFRIEND IN A YEAR AND A HALF,

AND I TALK TO MY CAT,LIKE, WAY TOO MUCH,

AND I DON'T WANT TO BEA CAT LADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SITTING AT HOME SATURDAY NIGHTBY MYSELF

WATCHING "SEX AND THE CITY,"DRINKING RED WINE,

BEING LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.MEN SUCK. RIGHT, POP-TARTS?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "MEOW!"I'M LIKE, "RIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BY THE WAY,I DIDN'T PLAN ON GETTING A CAT.

I DIDN'T WAKE UP ONE DAY LIKE,

"I'M GONNA CONFUSEALL MY GUY FRIENDS."

WHAT HAPPENED WAS

ANIMAL SHELTERSIN NEW YORK CITY, THEY CHEAT.

THEY DON'T WAIT FOR YOUTO GO INTO AN ANIMAL SHELTER

AND PICK OUT AN ANIMAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?

THEY TAKE THE CUTEST LITTLEPUPPIES AND KITTENS THEY HAVE,

AND THEY PUT THEM IN CAGESOUT ON THE SIDEWALK

OUTSIDE THE ANIMAL SHELTER.

SO YOU'RE JUST WALKING HOME,MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS,

NO INTENTION OF ADOPTINGAN ANIMAL WHATSOEVER,

AND THEN YOU HEAR "MEW!"

AND YOU'RE LIKE [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M CRYINGAND TRYING TO HIDE IT.

AND THE VOLUNTEER LADY WAS LIKE,

"SIR, YOU HEARD THAT.SHE WAS TALKING TO YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE WAS LIKE, "MEW!"

ME...YOU. "MEW?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

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