Christopher Titus - On Behalf of Whitey

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 20,518

Christopher Titus apologizes to everyone that white people have jacked up over the years. (3:26)

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WE'RE COMING UP FROM ENGLAND. WE GOT OUR OWN RELIGION.

WE'RE GOING TO THIS NEW COUNTRYAND THERE'S NOBODY THERE.

WHO THE [BLEEP]IS STANDING ON THE BEACH

WITH THE FEATHERS IN HIS HAIR? HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

HE'S WEARING A LOINCLOTH,SMOKING A PIPE.

HE'S PROBABLY HIGH. NO. LET HIM KEEP SMOKING 'CAUSE THEN HE WON'T CARE

IF WE TAKE HIS WHOLE COUNTRY, IDIOT.

SORRY. INDIANS,WE DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TOGO DOWN THE WAY IT DID.

FOR US, IT WAS LIKE GOING TO A PARTY IN HIGH SCHOOL

AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND THEIR PARENTS WERE OUT OF TOWN.

WE DIDN'T MEAN TO TRASH THE PLACE.

BUT THE FOOTBALL TEAMWAS DOING CRYSTAL METH.

AND INDIANS, I PROMISE TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU

BY AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, LOSING A THOUSAND DOLLARS IN YOUR LOVELY CASINOS.

HUH? YES. WE COULD ALL DO OUR PART.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND INDIANS, WHY DID WE TAKE YOUR WHOLE COUNTRY? MY GOD, WE TOOK EVERYTHING.

WE COULD HAVE AT LEAST LEFT YOU TEXAS.

I MEAN, HELL, WE CLEANED OUTALL THE MEXICANS.

[SILENCE, LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- [SPEAKING SPANISH] - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- MUY...APOLODISO? - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL WE'RE FIGHTING SO HARD

FOR TEXAS FOR ANYWAY. ANYONE HERE BEEN TO TEXAS?

TEXAS IS A HELLHOLE, MAN. DIRT, CACTUS, LIZARDS,

DIRT, CACTUS, THE BUSH FAMILY, DIRT, CACTUS, LIZARDS.

I MEAN, COME ON. HEY, HEY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE FIGHTING FOR COLORADO.

HA, HA, HA! AGAIN, INDIANS, REALLY SORRY ABOUT COLORADO.

OKAY, I WANT TO KNOW. WHO ELSE, TO THE JAPANESE,

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE A-BOMB IN THE INTERNMENT CAMPS?

[BLEEP] THAT, YOU GUYS STARTED THAT, MAN.

HEY, HEY, WE WERE CHILLIN' IN HAWAII AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

I WILL ADMIT I OVERREACTED.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW, HUH, WITH THE PLASMA TV

AND THE TOYOTA PRIUS,HUH? HUH? HUH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK SOMEBODY DESERVES A THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, TO EVERY RACE OF PEOPLE IN HERE TONIGHT THAT WHITEY HAS JACKED UP,

I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING YOUR LAND,

FOR THE ABUSE, FOR THE TORTURE, FOR THE SMALL POX BLANKET,

FOR THE JIM CROW LAWS. BLACK PEOPLE,

- I APOLOGIZE FOR KRAMER. - [LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

IN FACT, WE'RE GONNACHANGE THE WORLD TONIGHT

FOR OUR KIDS AND THEIR KIDS.ON THREE, I WANT

EVERY WHITE PERSONIN THIS AUDIENCE TO SAY,

"I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE." ONE, TWO, THREE,

In Unison: I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE.

I'M GONNA CRY.THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAN. THAT WAS GREAT.

WHEW! SEE? WE CRACKED THE DOOR A LITTLE BIT.

AND BY THE WAY,IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE,

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY ACCEPT OUR APOLOGY,

'CAUSE DID YOU SEE HOW FAST WE GOT ORGANIZED?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I KNOW.