Corey Holcomb - Dearly Beloved

  • Season 9 , Ep 24
  • 07/21/2005
  • Views: 16,834

I'M REALLY NOT A COMEDIAN.

I'M A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE THE GHETTO DR. PHIL

IF YOU WILL.

FOR EXAMPLE LADIES, CLAP YOUR

HANDS IF YOUR MAN HAS AN

ERECTION PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

A LOT OF SMART WOMEN OUT HERE

IN NEW YORK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T WANT TO GET BACK SLAPPED

AT THE COMEDY SHOW, HUH?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I THINK IT'S TIME WE TALKED

ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT.

LADIES, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

ERECTION PROBLEMS IN MOST CASES

ARE JUST MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

PROBABLY NOTHING WRONG WITH

THE GUY AT ALL, HE'S JUST TIRED

OF YOU IN PARTICULAR.

OR HE JUST GOT SOME BEFORE

HE CAME IN THE HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JUST TRYING TO SAY WE DON'T

NEED VIAGRA, WE NEED VARIETY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT ANYWAY, I KNOW I'M PROBABLY

UM ROUGH ON THE COUPLES

OUT HERE.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A

PLAYER HATER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT

THAT MEANS?

ARE THERE MARRIED COUPLES HERE?

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU'RE

MARRIED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF YOU.

I GOT MARRIED A COUPLE OF MONTHS

AGO.

I NEEDED SOME HEALTH INSURANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT MY CHECK UP AND I GOT

THE HELL OUT OF THAT MESS.

MAYBE YOU GOT MARRIED FOR LOVE

THOUGH DON'T JUDGE ME, OKAY?

YOU THE SUCKER.

[LAUGHTER]

MARRIAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING

THOUGH.

I THINK THEY NEED TO CHANGE

THE MARRIAGE VOWS.

MARRIAGE VOWS ARE OUTDATED

AND THEY DON'T APPLY TO WHAT'S

GOING ON NOWADAYS IN SOCIETY.

I CAN GIVE SOMEBODY AN HONEST

WEDDING.

I WOULD LOVE TO UNITE A COUPLE

IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

[LAUGHTER]

"DEARLY BELOVED,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO

UNITE THIS FOOL'S BANK ACCOUNT

INTO THIS WOMAN'S POSSESSION.

IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE

WHO THINKS THEY CAN TALK

SOME SENSE INTO THIS FOOL,

LET THEM SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER

SAY IT BEHIND THEIR BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU FOOL, UH,

PROMISE TO MAKE THIS

YOUNG LADY OUT TO BE EVERYTHING

SHE AIN'T...

UNTIL BANKRUPTCY, LOSS OF

APPETITE AND DEPRESSION

DO YOU PART?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HOW 'BOUT YOU YOUNG LADY?

DO YOU PROMISE TO SHOW THIS MAN

WHAT AN ANGRY WOMAN

AND CORRUPT CHILD SUPPORT SYSTEM

CAN DO TO SOMEBODY'S

SELF-ESTEEM?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU,

FUTURE ENEMIES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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