Dat Phan - Furby Girlfriend

  • Season 8, Ep 2
  • 01/29/2004
  • Views: 20,758

Dat's mom wants him to be with an Asian girl. (2:08)

ABOUT LIKE--

WE JOKE WHEN WE CAN.

AND SHE ENDS UP CRACKING

THE JOKES ON ME, YOU KNOW,

SERIOUSLY BECAUSE WE ARGUE

ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S ALL WE DO IS WE ARGUE.

WE ARGUE ABOUT TWO THINGS.

NUMBER ONE, WE ARGUE ABOUT

DUMB THINGS.

LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU HAD A KID AND YOUR KID'S

GOING ON THE TONIGHT SHOW

YOU'D BE VERY EXCITED, RIGHT?

MY MOM, SHE WENT CRAZY,

YOU KNOW?

SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON IN THE

WORLD THAT WOULD LIKE YELL AT ME

ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I WAS AT A VIETNAMESE

SUPERMARKET WITH HER.

WE TURNED IT INTO LIKE

AN ARGUMENT.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MOM, I JUST

WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT PART

OF THE TV SHOW I GET TO DO,

YOU KNOW, ON THE TONIGHT SHOW--"

"DAT PHAN, I'M SHOPPING.

YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A COUPON HERE.

THAT'S MOST IMPORTANT."

"NO, I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW

THAT, YOU KNOW, ON THE TONIGHT

SHOW--"

"DAT PHAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT

FOR LUNCH?

THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT,

NOT TONIGHT.

RIGHT NOW IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"NO, I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW,

YOU KNOW, THAT JAY LENO'S

GONNA--"

"JAY LENO NOT GONNA MAKE YOUR

LUNCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA MAKE YOUR LUNCH.

I AM JAY LENO."

SHE'S LIKE GOING CRAZY.

WE JOKE-- WE ARGUE ABOUT GIRLS

ALL THE TIME--

THE SAME THING.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, LIKE MOM--

I DATE AN ASIAN GIRL RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S VIETNAMESE.

I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

BEFORE THAT I DATED CAUCASIAN

GIRLS.

I REALLY DON'T CARE.

YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT

THE RACE IS.

BUT MY MOM, I DON'T THINK SHE'S

RACIST BUT I THINK SHE'S REALLY

OLD-FASHIONED, YOU KNOW?

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO LIKE

TALK ABOUT IT WITH ME.

SHE'S LIKE, "DAT PHAN, YOU LIKE

THE SOUP?

EAT THE SOUP RIGHT THERE.

YOU LIKE THE SOUP?

WHY YOU DATE THE WHITE GIRL?

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU EAT THIS SOUP?

YOU LIKE THE WHITE GIRL?

WHY NOT THE SOUP?

WHY DATE THE WHITE GIRL?"

I LOVE HOW SHE SAYS IT, TOO.

LIKE, "WHY YOU DATE THE WHITE

GIRL?

SHE IS THE ONE.

SHE'S IS THE MATRIX.

[SOUND OF WIND BLOWING]

[LAUGHTER]

WHY YOU DATE THE WHITE GIRL,

DAT PHAN?

WHY DON'T YOU DATE A LITTLE

ASIAN GIRL?

SMALL, COMPACT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S SHE TRYING TO SELL ME,

A CAR?

"LIKE 50% OFF, HUH, SON?

DAT PHAN, SHE MUST BE

LIQUIDATED.

LOW APR RIGHT HERE, FOUR ON THE

FLOOR.

DAT PHAN, SHE'S LIKE A FERBIE.

THERE'S A COMPUTER CHIP INSIDE

HER HEAD.

YOU CAN GET HER FOR CHRISTMAS."

I COME HOME, THERE'S LIKE AN

ASIAN GIRL ON THE COUCH I DON'T

KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "MOM, WHO'S THAT?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE COULD BE YOUR WIFE.

TAKE HER FOR A TEST DRIVE, SON.

SHE WAIT FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

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