Dom Irrera - Party Disease

  • Season 3 , Ep 7
  • 07/18/2000
  • Views: 7,351

Dom's goal is to be a bloated alcoholic. (4:20)

AND THIS IS WHAT I LOVE.

I LOVE TO DRINK, AND MY--I WANTTO BE A BLOATED ALCOHOLIC.

THAT'S MY GOAL.

IT IS.I'M SERIOUS.

BECAUSE THERE ISNO OTHER DISEASE

THAT IS MORE FUNTHAN ALCOHOLISM.

I KNOW IT HAS ITS DOWN SIDE,BUT I'M TELLING YOU,

THERE'S NO OTHER PARTY DISEASELIKE ALCOHOL.

YOU DON'T GET, LIKE,

A GROUP OF PEOPLE WITH MALARIAGOING TO A MALARIA BAR.

"THIS IS GREAT.

"I GOT THE CHILLS,BUT I'M SWEATING.

"HEY, LET'S GOTO THAT PSORIASIS BAR.

"I'M ITCHING TO GET IN THERE.

THERE'S A CHUNK OF MY SHOULDERRIGHT IN YOUR FACE."

THERE IN THE PSORIASIS BAR.

BUT ALCOHOL--YOU CAN PARTY.

ALCOHOLISMWITH TOURETTE'S SYNDROME,

YOU CAN CURSE AND PARTY.

IT'S GREAT.IT'S A GREAT DISEASE. FUN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSEIS BEAUTIFUL ABOUT IT?

THE IDEATHAT YOU CAN QUIT SOMETHING,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU GET MORE CREDITTHAN IF YOU NEVER HAD IT.

IT'S LIKE--YOU EVER WATCH, LIKE, OPRAH, AND THERE IS A GUY--

A GUY NEVER GETS CREDITWHO WAS JUST A GOOD GUY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,HERE'S A GUY.

HE QUIT DOING HEROINFOR OVER A MONTH

AND STOPPED BEATINGHIS WIFE AND CHILDREN,

AND PEOPLE ARE CRYINGAND APPLAUDING.

"OH, GOD BLESS HIM."

AND HERE--THE GUY WHO, LIKE--

HERE'S THE GUY WHO STOOD BYHIS FAMILY THROUGH EVERYTHING.

HE LOVED HIS KID SISTER.

HE TOOK CAREOF HIS ELDERLY AUNT.

"BOO. GOODY TWO-SHOES.

"YOU THINKYOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY.

"WHAT ABOUT THAT HEROIN ADDICT?

"HUH, FOLKS?

GIVE HIM A HANDFOR GOD'S SAKES."

YOU EVER GET SICK,

AND ONE OF YOUR FRIENDSGIVES YOU MEDICAL ADVICE--

AND THEY TELL YOUTHAT THEY'RE NOT A DOCTOR,

LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT?

MY FRIEND TONY SAYS, "HEY, DOM.

"THIS STUFF WILL CLEANYOU RIGHT OUT.

BUT I'M NOT A DOCTOR."

"TONY, I HAD NO IDEAYOU WEREN'T A DOCTOR.

"I MEAN, I KNEW YOU COULDN'T GETOUT OF SEVENTH GRADE

"'CAUSE YOU COULDN'T READ.

"I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WEREONE OF THE FINEST NEUROSURGEONS

"IN NORTH AMERICA.

"BOY, THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY'LLBE STUNNED

"WHEN THEY FIND OUT A MANOF LETTERS SUCH AS YOURSELF

IS NOT AMONGST THEM."

I JUST LOVE THESE PEOPLETHAT GIVE YOU ADVICE

ABOUT THE FLU AND STUFF,LIKE YOU NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE.

"OH, YOU GOT THAT FLU?YEAH.

DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDSAND GET A LOT OF REST."

"MAN, I'M GLAD I RAN INTO YOU.

"NOW, FIRST OF ALL,YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR, ARE YOU?

"BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

"WHERE YOU WOULD GETTHAT KIND OF INFORMATION.

"I WAS ABOUT OUT OF MY HOUSE,GONNA DO WIND SPRINTS

"AND DEHYDRATE MYSELFTILL I FELT BETTER.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, PAL."

AND THIS I LOVE.

I LOVE THAT RED WINEIS GOOD FOR YOU.

ISN'T THAT COOL?

RED WINE--I WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THIS.

I WANT TO HEAR MORE THINGSIN LIFE LIKE,

"RED WINE IN CONJUNCTIONWITH A LAP DANCE

"WHILE WATCHING NFL FOOTBALL

IS THE BEST CARDIOVASCULARWORKOUT YOU CAN HAVE."

I'M TRYING,BUT I ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE,

"I'D RATHER YOU BE HAPPY.IT DOESN'T MATTER."

LIKE, I DON'T CARE ABOUTPEOPLE'S WEIGHT PROBLEMS.

YOU GET A GUY--

HE'S GOT A GUT OUT TO HERE,AND HE PUTS ME ON THE SPOT.

"MAN, I GOT TO LOSESOME WEIGHT, HUH?"

"NOW YOU THOUGHT OF THAT?

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE SAID ITWHEN IT WAS OUT TO HERE?

"FIVE MINUTESBEFORE YOUR ASS BLOWS OFF,

I'M ON THE SPOT?"

"DO I LOOK FAT TO YOU?"

"NO, NOT TO ME,BUT TO EVERYBODY ELSE.

TO ME, YOU'RE JUST BIG-BONED."

I LOVE THAT BIG-BONED COMMENT.

"I'M NOT REALLY FAT.I'M VERY BIG-BONED."

"ISN'T THAT AMAZING

"HOW YOU HAVE THOSE BIG,FAT BONES IN YOUR ASS?

THAT'S A PRETTY BIG BONE YOU GOTHANGING OVER YOUR BELT THERE,

BENNY BOY."

BECAUSE WHAT I ALWAYS TELLPEOPLE, "LIFE IS TOO LONG.

ENJOY IT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIFE IS TOO LONG--YOU CAN ALWAYS--

NO MATTER HOW BIGTHE PROBLEM IS,

YOU CAN ALWAYSRUN AWAY FROM IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY: GIVE UP.THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

I TELL THE KIDSWHEN I'M TEACHING,

"ALWAYS GIVE UP IN LIFE."

THIS IS WHATI'M TRYING TO TELL--

LIKE, YOU KNOW, IF YOUR ASSIS THAT BIG, FORGET IT.

THERE'S NO GOING BACK.

I DON'T CAREWHAT RICHARD SIMMONS SAYS.

ONCE IT'S THAT BIG,USE IT AS A COUCH.

ENJOY IT.

AND I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I DON'T KNOWIF I'VE MENTIONED THIS,

BUT EVEN IF YOU EXERCISEAND LOSE WEIGHT, AT THE BEST,

ALL YOU HAVE IS EMPTY,SAGGING AIR SACS.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?GO TO A SUPERMARKET?

"WOULD THAT BE PAPEROR PLASTIC?"

"JUST FILL MY EMPTY,SAGGING AIR SACS.

THAT'S ALL THEY'RE GOOD FOR."

THAT'S WHY I SAY,"EAT. MANGIA. EAT."

BECAUSE I KNOWMY BODY'S CHANGED.

I USED TO--THERE WAS A TIMEIN MY LIFE

I DREAMED OF BEINGA PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE,

I SWEAR.

THEN I THOUGHT, "WELL, I JUSTWANT TO BE A GREAT ATHLETE.

"I WANT TO PLAY BASKETBALLALL THE TIME.

I LOVE SPORTS."

THEN, "I JUST WANT TO BEIN GOOD CARDIOVASCULAR SHAPE."

NOW I JUST DON'TWANT TO HAVE TITS.

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