John Oliver - A Footballer's Penis

  • Season 2 , Ep 2
  • 03/31/2011
  • Views: 12,646

John Oliver lost his faith in athletes when he was eight years old in a public restroom in England. Don't worry, it's not that kind of story. (4:39)

WHICH IS SAD TO ADMITIN A WAY,

BUT IT'S ALSO MADEMY LIFE EASIER, CAN'T DENY THAT.

I LOST MY FAITH IN ATHLETESWHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD

AND I WAS INA PUBLIC BATHROOM IN ENGLAND

AND--DON'T WORRY,IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF STORY.

(laughter)

BUT YOU WERE VERY QUICK TO JUMPON THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO THERE

AND THAT'S SOMETHING YOU MIGHTLIKE TO LOOK AT IN YOURSELVES.

NOW I WASIN A PUBLIC BATHROOM,

AND I WAS STANDINGAT THE CHILD'S URINAL,

YOU KNOW, THE ONE NEXTTO THE ADULT URINAL.

THAT'S THE SYSTEM,IF YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF IT.

CHILD'S URINAL,ADULT URINAL.

CHILD, ADULT.

AMBITIOUS CHILD.

DRUNK ADULT.THAT'S BASICALLY IT.

IT'S FLEXIBLE.IT'S A FLEXIBLE SYSTEM.

AND IN WALKED ALAN SMITH,WHO YOU WON'T KNOW,

BUT HE WAS A PROFESSIONALFOOTBALL PLAYER--

WHAT MY PEOPLE DESCRIBEAS FOOTBALL

AND YOU CHOOSE TO USETHE SINGLE MOST OFFENSIVE WORD

IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

BUT HE WAS A PROFESSIONALFOOTBALLER,

AND I'D NEVER SEEN A REALATHLETE IN THE FLESH BEFORE.

I REMEMBER LOOKING UP AT HIMAND THINKING, WOW!

AN ATHLETE, A GOD,IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME.

I MUST REMEMBERTHIS MOMENT FOREVER.

AND THEN I LOOKED DOWN.

AND I DON'T KNOWWHY I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED.

(laughter)

BUT IT WAS JUSTA MAN'S PENIS.

IT WAS MEAT AND SKIN.IT WAS A NORMAL MAN'S PENIS.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT I WAS EXPECTING, YOU KNOW,

WHETHER IT SHOULD BE GOLD

OR WHETHERTHERE SHOULD BE TWO OF THEM

OR IT SHOULD HAVE A LITTLEREPLICA OUTFIT OF HIS.

I DON'T KNOW,BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM ENOUGH.

IT WAS JUST A MAN--IT LOOKEDJUST LIKE MY DAD'S PENIS,

AND MY DAD HAD NEVER SCOREDAS MANY GOALS PROFESSIONALLY

AS ALAN SMITH AND IT LOOKEDEXACTLY LIKE MY DAD'S PENIS.

AND I KNEW IN THAT MOMENT

MY FAITH IN ATHLETESWAS GONE FOREVER.

(laughter)

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SENSE SOME GENUINE AWKWARDNESSIN THE ROOM RIGHT NOW

AS IF...

(laughter)

AS IF COLLECTIVELYYOU FOUND YOURSELF THINKING,

UH, HOLD ON, JOHN.

(laughter)

BACK UPA FEW SENTENCES THERE.

WHY IS IT, JOHN...

THAT YOU HAVE SEENYOUR DAD'S PENIS?

EVERYONEHAS SEEN THEIR DAD'S PENIS.

YES, YOU HAVE.

YES--DON'T DO THIS TO ME,NEW YORK.

YES, YOU HAVE.YES, YOU HAVE.

YOU HAVE SEEN YOUR DAD'S PENIS.YES, YOU--OH, RIGHT.

RAISE YOUR HANDS IF YOU'VE SEENYOUR DAD'S PENIS.

YOU ARE (bleep) LYING TO ME!

HOW AM I,AS A BRITISH PERSON,

THE LEAST REPRESSEDHUMAN BEING IN THIS ROOM?

(laughter and applause)SHAME ON YOU!

YOU'VE SEEN IT!YOU HAVE SEEN IT!

YOU HAVE SEENYOUR DAD'S PENIS!

I DON'T KNOW YOUR INDIVIDUALCIRCUMSTANCES,

WHETHER HE EXITEDTHE SHOWER UNEXPECTEDLY

OR GOT OUTOF THE OCEAN TOO FAST.

I DON'T KNOW!BUT THE POINT IS YOU'VE SEEN IT!

YOU HAVE SEEN IT!YOU HAVE SEEN YOUR DAD'S PENIS!

AND, YES, I KNOW SOME OF YOUMAY BE SITTING

NEXT TO YOUR DADS AT THE MOMENTAND IT'S EXCRUCIATING.

(laughter)BUT WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE.IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL SHARE!

YOU HAVE SEEN YOUR DAD'S--HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

(laughter)HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

BE BRAVE.HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

BE BRAVE NOW.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

IS IT--CAN YOU SEE IT?YOU CAN SEE IT NOW?

DON'T REACT TO HER LIKE THAT!SHE'S BEING BRAVE!

EVERYONE HAD!YOU HAVE SEEN YOUR DAD'S PENIS!

YES, YOU HAVE.YES, YOU HAVE.

YES, YOU HAVE.YES, YOU HAVE.

YES, YOU HAVE.YES, YOU HAVE.

YOU HAVE SEENYOUR DAD'S PENIS.

NOW, LET ME MAKETHIS CRYSTAL CLEAR, NEW YORK.

WE HAVE NOT JUST STUMBLED UPONMY NEW CATCH PHRASE.

(laughter)NO, NO.THAT STOPS HERE.

NO, NO.NO, NO.

LET'S DRAW A LINEIN THE SAND.

WE HAVE NOT JUST FOUNDMY "GIT 'ER DONE."

THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.

I DO NOT WANT TO COME TO GIGSIN THE FUTURE

AND SEE YOU WEARINGT-SHIRTS READING

"YOU'VE SEENYOUR DAD'S PENIS."

"I LIKE THE MERCH, JOHN.I LIKE THE MERCH.

DO SOME HOODIESFOR THE FALL."

NO.

(laughter)

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