Alonzo Bodden - Bad in Starbucks

  • Season 9, Ep 22
  • 07/07/2005
  • Views: 5,999

Alonzo is an angry suburban negro. (3:15)

TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT ME.

WASN'T ALWAYS A COMIC.

USED TO DO HONEST WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

SERIOUSLY, I USED TO HAVE A REAL

JOB.

I USED TO BE AN AIRPLANE

MECHANIC.

'TIL THEY STARTED DRUG TESTING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW

IT WAS TIME TO LET THAT ONE GO.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT THAT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "IS THAT TRUE?

DID YOU REALLY DO DRUGS?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH!"

"WHY WOULD YOU DO DRUGS?"

"THEY WORK!"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HAD TO GIVE IT UP, MAN.

I HAD TO...

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT BUSTED.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT WAS IT FOR ME

MAN, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO JAIL.

BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO JAIL,

DON'T GO!

[LAUGHTER]

REALLY.

NO, 'CAUSE GUYS ARE TOUGH

IN JAIL, MAN, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE LIKE I TALK A LOT OF,

YOU KNOW, I START, I MAKE FUN OF

PEOPLE.

I TALK LIKE I'M TOUGH.

BUT I'M NOT THAT TOUGH, MAN.

YEAH, I GREW UP IN NEW YORK.

BUT I GREW UP IN THE SUBURBS,

YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE AN ANGRY SUBURBAN

NEGRO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M BAD IN LIKE STARBUCKS,

YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I'LL HURT YOU OVER A

FRAPPUCCINO, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU GO TO JAIL THAT

FRAPPUCCINO LINE DON'T GO FAR.

IT WAS TOUGH.

SO I HAD TO MAKE A DEAL TO GET

OUT.

YOU KNOW, SO I MADE A DEAL.

I AGREED TO GO TO REHAB.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT WAS COOL

'CAUSE I GRADUATED, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T REALLY GRADUATE

FROM NOTHIN' ELSE YOU KNOW.

SO, WHEN I GRADUATED FROM REHAB,

THEY GAVE ME A CERTIFICATE,

WHICH WAS GREAT 'CAUSE THAT GAVE

MY MOTHER SOMETHING TO HANG ON

THE WALL, RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

SERIOUSLY.

'CAUSE I THINK THAT'S ALL

MOTHERS REALLY WANT OUT OF LIFE,

SOMETHING THEY CAN HANG ON

THE WALL.

SO YOU GO TO MY HOUSE, RIGHT,

AND YOU'LL SEE LIKE MY BROTHER

HAS HIS MBA AND THEN MY SISTER

HAS HER PH.D. AND THEN I GOT

MY LITTLE REHAB CERTIFICATE,

YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND MOM KNOWS SHE DONE

ALL RIGHT, SEE, SO THAT'S GOOD.

BUT NAH, IT WAS COOL.

SEE THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO

AND I MADE IT THROUGH A LOT

BUT I'M STILL SINGLE.

YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY I'M STILL

SINGLE.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS COOL BEING

SINGLE UNTIL SOMETHING THAT

NO SINGLE MAN SHOULD EVER DO.

I WENT TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND.

[LAUGHTER]

YEP.

JUST WALKED RIGHT IN THERE, MAN.

NOW I KNOW HOW WOMEN FEEL

WHEN THEY TALK TO CAR MECHANICS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU HAD THAT

VAGUE SENSE YOU'RE BEING

RIPPED OFF, RIGHT?

BUT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW

WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

'CAUSE I WENT IN THERE, RIGHT,

AND I NEEDED SHEETS FOR THE BED.

SO I GOT $50.

I'M GONNA BUY SHEETS FOR THE

BED, RIGHT?

LOOK, SHE'S SHAKING HER HEAD

ALREADY.

SHE'S LIKE, "WOW, HE DIDN'T LOOK

STUPID."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY JUST STARTED SELLING ME

STUFF, MAN.

THEY SOLD ME A DUVET COVER.

AND I DON'T HAVE A DUVET.

I DON'T THINK.

AND THEN THEY STARTED TREATING

ME LIKE I'M THE IDIOT.

THEY'RE LIKE "DO YOU HAVE A

COMFORTER?"

YEAH.

"WELL, YOU GOT TO PROTECT IT!"

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS UNDER

ATTACK!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH YEAH, APPARENTLY THERE'S SOME

UNKNOWN STUFF ATTACKING THE BED

WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

AND THEN THEY SOLD ME THE BED

RUFFLE.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THAT PROTECTS

UNDER THE BED 'CAUSE APPARENTLY

I'M BEING ATTACKED HIGH AND LOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS A

SCAM, BECAUSE IF YOU CAN STOP IT

WITH A RUFFLE, HOW TOUGH COULD

IT REALLY BE?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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