Dom Irrera - Embrace Life

  • Season 3 , Ep 7
  • 07/18/2000
  • Views: 12,076

Dom wishes he could drink like the Irish. (2:36)

I GO TO IRELAND EVERY YEAR.

IT'S THE ONLY PLACEI'VE EVER BEEN CALLED A WUSS

FOR GOING TO BED AT 5:30IN THE MORNING.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING,DOM IRRERA, LITTLE WUSS?

"5:30?

"WHY, THE SUN'S NOT EVENCOMPLETELY UP,

"YOU LITTLE DAGO BASTARD.

"YOU CAN'T DRINK.

"YOU CAN'T DRINK, CAN YOU, DOM?

YOU CAN'T DRINK!"

[applause]

I WISH I COULD DRINK LIKE THAT.

I WISH I COULD DRINK--THAT'S WHAT--

LIKE I SAID, MY GOALIS TO BE BLOATED THIS YEAR,

AND I REALLY--I'M AMAZED BY THOSE GUYS.

THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING--LIKE, IN L.A.--

'CAUSE YOU GOTTA GET UP AT 10:00TO WATCH FOOTBALL.

THEY'RE POUNDING DOWN,LIKE, 20, 30 BEERS.

AND THEN THEY GO, "WHAT DO YOUWANT TO DO TONIGHT?"

"I DON'T KNOW.GET A BEER?"

"YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

"AFTER ABOUT 20 OR 30 BEERS,

I LIKE TO WASH IT DOWNWITH A NICE COLD BREWSKI."

THEY GO TO A BAR AND DRINKALL NIGHT, WALK OUTSIDE.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

GET ONE FOR THE ROAD?WE'LL GET A SIX PACK."

"WE'LL GET A CASE. IT'S TWOBLOCKS--WE MIGHT HIT A LIGHT."

"I GOT A KEG WITH NOZZLESAND CATHETERS.

"WE'LL INSERT THE CATHETERSIN OUR BEERS

"AND THE NOZZLES IN OUR MOUTHS.

"WE DON'T HAVE TO MOVE.

WE'LL JUST STAND THEREWITH THE REMOTE."

I LOVE THAT CULTURE,BECAUSE THEY EMBRACE LIFE.

THAT'S WHY THE CULTUREI COME FROM, I LOVE.

THEY EMBRACE LIFE.

THEY EAT.THEY GO TO RESTAURANTS.

THEY'RE NOT TOO HIP FOR FOOD.

"OH, I DON'T EAT THAT.I CAN'T HAVE THAT.

"I'LL JUST HAVE A LARGE BOWLOF STEAM.

"DO YOU HAVE STEAM?

WITH A HOT OXYGEN SOUFFLE; DOYOU HAVE A HOT OXYGEN SOUFFLE?"

I'M WITH A FRIEND.

SHE LOOKS GREAT, SHE'S IN SHAPE,BUT SHE'S MISERABLE.

I GO, "I COULD GO FOR SOMETHINGSWEET, LIKE A COOKIE."

SHE GOES,"I DON'T NEED A COOKIE."

I SAID, "NOBODY NEEDS A COOKIE."

YOU'LL NEVER GETYOUR LAB RESULTS BACK:

"WELL, APPARENTLY, MISS BEXON,WHAT YOU NEED--

"AND I AM A DOCTOR, AND I'VENEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE--

"IS SOME SORT OF A COOKIE.YOU'RE ACTUALLY TOO HEALTHY.

YOU NEED A COOKIE."

[laughter]

THIS IS EVERY DINNER.

THIS IS EVERY DINNERAT MY HOUSE.

ABOUT TO GET THE FORKTO MY MOUTH.

"YOU KNOW YOUR COUSIN, DOLORES?"

"YEAH, MOM."

"SHE GOT A BIG GOITERON HER NECK,

"BIGGER THAN HER OWN HEAD.

"HERE. HAVE SOME MEATBALLS.

SHE HAS TO HAVE IT DRAINED.HERE. HAVE SOME GRAVY."

MY MOTHER IS THE MOST DEPRESSINGHUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOWWHAT HER FAVORITE GAME IS?

"GUESS WHO DIED."

"I DON'T WANT TO PLAYGUESS WHO DIED."

"ALL RIGHT.GUESS WHO HAD DIABETES."

SHE ALWAYS HAS, LIKE,THESE MYSTERY AILMENTS.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOM?WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOM?"

"I DON'T KNOW.MY FINGER'S SNAPPING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?"

"I NEVER HEARD OF THAT."

"IS THAT BAD FOR YOU?"

"MOM, I NEVER HEARDOF FINGERS SNAPPING.

"MAYBE YOU GOT AN AUDITIONFOR WEST SIDE STORY

"YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

I NEVER HEARDOF FINGERS SNAPPING."

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