Chris Distefano - Parents Divorced

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 1 01/11/2011 Views: 7,662

Chris Distefano's mother's new boyfriend has polio. (2:18)

-Parents got divorced, somy mother is dating again.

I don't know who elsehas gone through that.

But my mother has just given up.

There's no screening processanymore for these new guys.

She brought home aguy last week, polio.

Full blown polio.

I was like, what is this, 1927?

How the hell did he get polio?

I got vaccinated 47 times bythe time I was three for polio.

He's limping aroundthe god damn living

room dripping polioon everything.

The whole housefull of polio, Ma.

It's dripping offthe lamp shades.

No one's questioning this?

No one?

The family is just OK withthis guy having polio?

All right.

And his name is Phineas.

That's his real name-- Phineas.

I was like, what is this, 1865?

Where did you meet a guynamed Phineas with polio?

Just picking these guys offat civil war reenactments?

She's like, yougot to go meet him.

You and your jokes.

You and your stupid jokes.

Go meet him.

He's a nice man.

So I went out and met him.

We went out for breakfast.

I ordered bacon and eggs like anormal person in this century.

He ordered porridge.

I was like, what is this, 1706?

I can do this another 12hours, keep going back in time.

You guys can laugh or not.

It doesn't matter to me.

You want to takea history lesson?

Let's do it.

I don't give a shit.

But I think about alot who the victim is.

That's all I'm about.

Who's the victim inthis whole situation?

It's not me.

It's not my mom.

Phineas has been through enough.

Don't victimize that guy.

It's hard for him.

It's my father, right?

How pissed would you be ifyour wife left you for a guy

with polio?

My dad is a big, toughItalian dude from the Bronx.

Doesn't let anythingget to him ever.

I told him-- I was like, Dad,Mom has got a new boyfriend.

The guy has polio.

He was like, really?

Mother's newboyfriend has polio?



Why don't you tell youmother my new girlfriend has

scurvy, and rickets,whooping cough, dysentery.

Tell her I'm banging aT. Rex fossil, OK, kid?