The Final Days of the 2016 Election

November 7, 2016 - Jonathan Capehart 11/07/2016 Views: 23,701

Just ahead of Election Day, the FBI concludes its probe into Hillary Clinton's emails, and Donald Trump appears alongside a crotch-grabbing Ted Nugent at a rally. (9:09)

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But now, uh, whether you werewatching the marathon or not,

I really hope you got wastedand had an insane weekend,

because you realizethis could be

our final weekend of our lives.

You do realize this is it?

You guys realizethat this it is it.

By this time tomorrow,one of these candidates

will be America'snext president.

And the other will bethreatening to sue reality.

I'll tell you, folks,reality is crooked.

And I'll see you...

I'll sue itin imaginary court, folks.

There is one personwho I know had a great weekend,

and that's Hillary Clinton.

Breaking news on the eveof this election,

the new FBI bombshell.

REPORTER: A week after shaking up the race,

FBI Director James Comey says the recent review

into newly-discovered e-mails related to Clinton

uncovered nothing to change his initial conclusion.

This time deciding that thoseHillary Clinton e-mails

on Anthony Weiner's laptopwere either all duplicates

or not relatedto government business.



(bleep) me?

11 days before the election?11 days before the election

Comey and the FBIderailed the entire thing,

and it turns outit was all for nothing? Nothing?

You realizein the last nine days

millions of Americans voted,thinking that Hillary

might still beindicted by the FBI.

Yeah. Even Bill Clinton waslike, "You know, I don't know,

"you just can't trustthese Clintons.

I don't know, I love you, baby,but you heard what he said."

And now they saythere was nothing?

It's almost likeyou've been planning

the wedding of your dreamsand then the week

before the wedding,the best man says, "Yo, bro,

"I found some messages.Your fiancée might be

cheating on you." And thena few days later he's like,

"Hey, bro, you know thosemessages? Nothing there."

And now America's like, "What?What are you talking about?

"I (bleep) someone else!I (bleep) some...

"I (bleep) some random dudewith an orange bush.

What have you done?What have you done?"

So, this is good newsfor Hillary, but,

as you might expect,Trump is not happy with the idea

of a woman getting off.

It's a totally rigged system.

I've I been saying itfor a long time.

You can't review650,000 new e-mails

in eight days.You can't do it, folks.

You know what, I will say this,

Donald Trump has a point.

It is humanly impossible

to review 650,000 e-mailsin eight days.

There are so many words.

You would need, like,a super smart robot brain

that could, like, read

and compute the contentsof messages.

Like, that's, like,something out of science fiction

or something.

Like, I don't even knowwhat you would need to do.

Hold on, let me just see. Um...

Siri, what machine would I need

to quickly processa lot of information?

-(chime) -SIRI:I think they get the joke now.

Trevor, you can move on.

It almost makes me wonderif-if Trump

is just constantly baffledby technology in everyday life,

you know? Does he not understandtechnology?

Are his aides coming up like,"Mr. Trump,

your grandkids are FaceTimingyou." And he's like,

"What's going on? How did mygrandkids get inside the phone?

How did they get..." It's like,"No, sir, it's just a video."

"Don't worry, little Teddy. I'mgonna get you out of the phone.

"Oh, and, by the way,while you're in there,

don't look at the pictures.It's for big people only."

Who is this man? Who is this...

And, by the way, by the way,

what is he doing with that cap?

Trump looks lesslike a candidate

and more like he's goinginto the World Series of Poker.

What the hell is he doing?You can't see his face.

You know how in movies,you know how in movies

you can always tell the evil guy

because his face is shroudedin a shadow?

And every time we watchthe movie, we're going,

"It's obviously him!It's obviously him."

And right nowaliens are watching us, going,

"It's obviously him!

It's obviously him!"

I will say this though.

For a government agency,the FBI did really quick work.

If fact, we all learnedsomething this weekend.

If you want the government to doanything faster,

just put some Hillary e-mailsin it.

Yeah. Waiting foreveron your IRS refund?

Just claim Hillary's e-mailsas a dependent.

Slow line at the DMV?Just be like,

"I need my license to driveHillary's e-mails to court."

Hell, if only Tupac had sentan e-mail to Hillary

just before he got shot,

the FBI would have knownwho did it by now.

"And my planis to write you back."

Speaking of, uh,Hillary and rappers,

this weekend,she was rolling deep.

REPORTER: Hillary Clinton alongside Jay Z

and Beyoncé on Friday.

I want my daughter

to grow up seeing a womanlead our country...

and know that her possibilitiesare limitless.

That is why I'm with her.

Without further ado,

I would like to introduce to you

the next president of the UnitedStates, Ms. Hillary Clinton!

(air horn blaring)


If there's one sound

that does not gowith Hillary Clinton,

it's the hip-hop horns.

(mimics air horn)

That is the coolest thingHillary has ever been a part of.

If Hillary wins,I actually hope Jay Z is there

for her Stateof the Union Address,

like, him coming up,"Hey, yo, Congress,

"give it up for the president.

Clinton, baby!"

(mimics air horn)


It's your boy."(chuckles)

By the way, by the way,

this wasn't one of those boringcelebrity appearances

where they just ask peopleto vote.

You know. "Please vote,please vote."

No, no, no.This was a full-on concert.

♪ I used to dance to Michael,I used to dance in high school ♪

♪ Girl, you know my crude names,makin' those dudes say, wha? ♪

♪ Hear nobody saying,on your knees ♪

♪ Least that what my check say,lost my homie for a decade ♪

♪ Paparazzi, catch my flyand my cocky fresh ♪

♪ I'm so recklesswhen I rock my Givenchy dress ♪


Cam we be real for a second?

Uh, that's America's actualfirst female ruler.

Let's be honest.That's-that's her.

That's her. That-that wasso much fun this weekend.

The whole thing was so much fun.

Unless, unless your nameis Donald J. Trump.

She got Jay Z and Beyoncé,

and the languagethey used was so bad.


The language.

The language is so bad.

And as they were... singing?

Singing, right? Singing?

Talking? Was it talkingor singing? I don't know.

-(laughing, groaning)-Wait, wait. I'm sorry.

How do you not know what rap is?


You, Donald Trump--you are a rapper.

Your life is basicallybling, pussy

and getting into beefs.


-You are a rapper!-(applause and cheering)

That's all it is-- bling, pussyand getting into beefs.

And then, eventually,bankruptcy.

-Get the (bleep) out of here,man. -(laughter, groaning)

"Is it singingor talking or singing?"

He serious? MC Ginger over here

-trying to pretendhe doesn't know rap. -(laughter)

And you know he's doing itjust so he can appeal

to his old white fans.Come on, man.

It's pretty rich of Trumpto complain about lewd behavior,

especially when, at his rally,his superstar

friend Ted Nugentwas doing this.

I got your blue stateright here, baby!


Black and blue.

(laughter and groaning)

-Black and blue?-(laughter)

Dude, I don't thinkyou're having sex right.


I feel likethat started off as an insult,

and then endedas a cry for help.

"I got your blue stateright here, baby!

"Black and blue.

-And it burns when I pee!"-(laughter)

"Is there a doctorin the house, baby?

I'll even takea nurse practitioner. Whoo!"


So... so just to recap,

it's the last nightof the campaign,

the very last night.

You've got two candidates.

One who doesn't understandtechnology, music or hats.


And the other who has not onlybeen cleared again by the FBI,

but she also gets theendorsement of Beyoncé.

That's so amazing.

And look, I know it was Beyoncéunder that hat all along.


But when I was watching,I was going,

"If Hillary Clinton popped outfrom under it,

-this election would be over.-(laughter)

♪ You mix that Negro withthat Creole, make a Texas bama ♪

♪ I like my baby hairwith baby hair and afros ♪

♪ I like my Negro nose...