Exclusive - Joe List - Spaghetti for Thanksgiving - Uncensored

Scumbag 10/13/2016 Views: 895

One Thanksgiving, Joe List and his friend decided to celebrate with a lot of alcohol and a bunch of strippers, and things ended up getting a little out of hand. (11:07)

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- She was like,"Is this the party?"

And we were like,"Uh, yeah, this is the party."

Certainly it waparty.We were eating Xanax

on Thanksgiving.I know what a party is.

[intense musical buildup]

- Aah!

- Aah!

- [kissing sounds][tires screeching[

Let me smell your vagina!

[brakes screech]

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- He's absolutely hilarious.You guys are gonna love him.

He's got a great podcastcalled Tuesdays with Stories

that I've been on.It's an awesome podcast.

Please give it up forMr. Joe List, everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

- This story's about the bestThanksgiving I ever had.

It was Thanksgiving 2005.

I don't know if you guyswere there for that one.

It was a fun one.The guy's clapping

for Thanksgiving '05.Thank you, sir.

It's a good one.

I had Thanksgiving dinnerat my grandmother's house

like you doand a friend of mine--

his name is Derek, we'll say,

'cause that's his name.

And he was home.He was like--

he went to college I guessis what you do

and we were 21 or whatever

and he came home to visit and hewas at my grandmother's house.

We had, like, a regularThanksgiving dinner.

Turkey, gravy,all that business.

And then we were going backto my house and he was like,

"So is that the night?Are we wrapping up?"

And I was like,"Yeah, that's probably--

we'll probably havea couple beers at the house

or whatever."And then we went back there

and my fri--I livedwith my friend Tom.

And I had some Xanax at the time

because I had a panic disorder.

I would have thesepanic attacks.

I don't know if you're familiarwith panic attacks.

It's almost like you're beingattacked by panic.

If you've never had it.

I'm not a doctor, but that's howI would sort of describe it.

So we had these Xanax,and I was like,

"Well, we can take these XanaxI have a prescription

so we might as wellabuse these."

And, so...

we had some post-turkeyXanax and a few beers

and we were literallylaughing it up

and having some funand we were like,

"Why don't we getsome strippers over here?

That would be fun."Thanksgiving strippers.

I feel like the midnightThanksgiving shift

would probably besome good strippers

and there was a placewe would go to.

They had take out strippers.They would--you could--

they would justsend them to your house

which is pretty, uh--pretty kick ass.

So we would do thatabout two or three times a week

and, um...we figured "Why not?"

We were in the giving mood.We had some strippers come over.

Had a couple more Xanaxwhile we waited

and we were like,"All right, here we go."

And we drank whatever boozewas in the house.

And then the doorbell rang.It had been about 20 minutes.

So we were like,"Oh, there's the strippers.

All right, let's get it going.Pilgrims."

My friend, Tom,he went to answer the door

and then me and my friendDerek were on the couch

and we were like,"Here we go. Stripper time."

And then my friend Tom came upwith just kind of

a random woman who didn't--I mean, we ordered two.

I don't knowif I mentioned that.

We did a two for special'cause we would go a lot.

So we had, like, a punch card

and we would get, like,a two for deal.

And just one girl showed upand usually there's a bodyguard.

There was no bodyguardand it was just--

she didn't look like a stripperbecause she was, a...

older and not attractiveat all.

And she was like,"Is this the party?"

And we were like,"Uh, yeah, this is the party."

Certainly it waparty.We were eating Xanax

on Thanksgiving.I know what a party is.

So why notthrow a "the" in there?

It was "the party."And she was like,


And then, once again,we were like,

"Yeah, we are allcollectively Raúl."

We're Raúl.

And so she was like,"Great, I'm Dorothy."

Her name was Dorothy and she hada little dog with her too.

Like a Toto looking dog.- Oh, my God!

- Which was adorable,but the dog's name

wasn't Toto--I don't remember the dog's name

'cause I was onXanax and alcohol,

but I remember being like,

Why isn't your dog named Toto,you dumb dumb?

That should be the dog's name.

So then the doorbellrang again

and we were like, well, surelythese are the strippers now.

And it was.It was the two strippers

and their bodyguard fella.

And they came inand they were like,

"Hey, Joe.Hi, Tom."

And then I was like,"This is Derek, he's visiting."

And they were like,"Great. Great to meet you."

We all sort of knew each other.And then they started the thing?

They put their little CDin the PlayStation or whatever.

And then they--[laughter]

Yeah, I'm not surewhy that's a punch line,

but, uh--[applause]

So anyways, they didtheir strip thing

and they were like--they were like,

they threw me on the floor,they were like,

"Get down on the floor,you little bitch."

And I was like, "Yeah."

I was like, "This iswhat Thanksgiving is all about."

And, "I'm into that."

So then they both startedkinda like grinding on me

while I was laying thereand I was like, "Yeah."

And "Strippers is fun."And then the--Dorothy,

she decided--she's like, "I should be

doing that, too, probably."

So she kinda steppedin between the two of them,

was like, "Me also!I'm also stripping here."

And I was like,"All right, let's get Dorothy

involved in this.It's the holidays."

And, um...so then the strippers--

evidently strippersdon't like that.

They don't like yougetting in on their thing.

They were like, "Get outof here, this is our time

or whatever to dance."It was like "Footloose."

So they kinda backed off.They were like,

"This girl's nutty."'Cause the girl--

Dorothy, she took hershirt off also

which wasn't the best,but...

So the stripperswent back into the kitchen

where the bodyguard guy--he was with Tom.

They were kinda having coffeeor whatever.

They were buddies and--so they went back there

and then Dorothy,she started kinda--

we had mirrors all over.

Our house looked likea strip club ironically.

There was like mirrorsand like thick carpeting.

It was real creepy.

And she started lookingin the mirror and she was like,

"They hate me 'cause I'm fat.

"I'm gross.I'm not sexy."

And then she started crying.She was like...

[crying]"I'm not sexy."

And me and my friend Derekwe were on the couch

and we're like,"I don't know what you do

"in this situation.

I wish Raúl was here."

So I said,"No, you're very sexy.

I think you'reextremely sexy."

Which was a lie, but it was,you know, a white lie.

I was like,"No, you're very sexy."

And she's like,"Do you mean that?"

And I was like,"Of course I mean that.

What? Are you kidding?You're as sexy as anybody."

And then she was like,"Great," and she started

blowing me.Um...


And I was like, "Oh, wow,that's how you get a blow job.

I've been trying for years."

For years I've been like,"Would you mind blowing me?

I've heard about blow j--Do you blow people?"

And then bears would be like,"What? Get away from me."

And then I'd be like,"All right, sorry."

But evidently you tella crying girl that she's sexy

and that works.

I haven't tried since,but it worked that day.

And I had a panic disorder,so I was really--

I had a lot of anxiety.And we were kinda sitting

on the couch and then my friendDerek, he was sitting next to me

right here like he waswaiting for a plane.

We were just kinda sittingnext to each other

and she was, you know,going down on me

and that was excitingand then I saw, like,

one of the strippers,her head popped out

around the cornerfrom the kitchen.

I just saw her headwhich was fun.

And then I just heard, like...[indistinct whispering]

And then her head,the stripper head,

the other stripper,the door guy,

and my friend Tomall of their heads

popped around togetherat once

like a stacked Totem poleof like, "What?"

And it's the funniest thingI've ever seen in my life.

And I was like, "All right,

thumbs up, all you heads...also head."

And so the strippers, they dolike, "This is too crazy.

We're going home.We're outta here."

And I was like, "I guess they'releaving, but this is fun,"

and I was getting really nervousand then my friend,

Derek--he's a great, great friend.

Best friend I ever had,he leaned in to the girl

for some--I don't know whatmade him--inspired him,

but he went,"He's got balls, you know?"


Good friend.

So I said,"Good lookin' out, buddy."

And she said, "Good point."

So she startedlapping my balls a little bit.

And at this point I was like,"This is too much

for me to handle.I'm freaking out here."

I feel like I'm gonna havea panic attack 'cause I'm a nut.

So I was like, "Aah,I can't do anymore of this."

And I kinda ran to the bathroomand I was like,

"This is nuts."I splashed water on my face

and I was like, "You piece ofshit, what are you doing?

You're getting blown,it's Thanksgiving,

You just leftyour grandmother's house.

And so I was like,"This is too crazy."

So then I came outof the bathroom,

I came back and she wasblowing Derek now.

He also has balls, you know?

So I was just like,"Oh, I guess I wasn't

that meaningful to her."

And then my friend Tomwas like,

"Well, I should go getsome condoms, I guess."

And then she stopped blowingand was like,

"No, I only like blowjobs."

She said it reallymatter-of-factly

and then I was like,"Well, you should get gum."

It was like a bit zinger I had.

I thought that was fun.

So then Tom left to getthe condoms or whatever

and then when he came back,she had decided

that now she didkinda wanna get laid

'cause she figured she'd beendoing some giving or whatever.

So, um, then, uh,Tom came back

and they decidedthey would make love.

So they kinda...

made love to each other.

And that was fun.And then this part--

you might thinkI'm making this up,

I swear to God I'm notmaking it up.

Toto--while Tom was havingintercourse with her,

Toto started humpingTom's leg which was really fun.

A little threesome action.Interspecies.

I told the dog--I was like,"He has balls, you know?"

I thought of doinga call back, but...

you need peanut butterif you want to get that done.


So that was pretty funand then the other memorable

thing thatI should mention is while

Tom was making love to her,she said this line

that was very unforgettable.I really loved it.

She said, um--she did a little dirty talk

and he line was,"Mmm...

my pussysounds like spaghetti."


And at that point I was like,

"This girl might bea little cuckoo."

But I will say this,I had never associated

those two things,but, uh...

an intercourse active pussysounds a little bit

like spaghettiif you hit it right.

I was like,"What? You don't say?

It does kinda sound like that."And then--

So, anyways--[laughter]

Tom finished up the sex

and, um...

and then now--quite a bit of time had passed

and we kinda were like--we were ready to go to bed

and this woman's a bit cooky,so we're kinda like

trying to...get her to...


'Cause we wanted to go to bed.I feel terrible about this.

I apologized to heror whatever,

but, uh--so I was kinda likedropping hints.

I was like,"Dorothy, you know...

there's no place like home."You know?


Try that shit.And then she was like,

"Well, you know,I'm a little broke.

I could use a littleextra money, you know?"

And I was like,"Oh, is that what...

just happened?Um..."

And we were like--we didn't really have any money.

We were like, 22-year-olddegenerate idiots.

So we didn't--and comicsand so we didn't have any money.

So we gave her a--I was like,"I have this CD rack

"that I'm not really...using much."

And she's like,"I could use one of those."

And then we actually had

a jar of changethat I'd been collecting.

It was like a Captain Morganwith change.

I was like,"Do you want this?"

She's like,"I'll take those two things."

And so then she kinda leftwith a CD rack...

and a jar of changeand her dog

all together.- Wow.

- And we all were kinda wave--we were like,

"All right, so long, Dorothy."

It was kinda like the Tin Man,

the Scarecrow,and the Cowardly Lion, um...

And we were all like,"So long, Dorothy,"

and, uh...it was really--

I hope she's aliveand well.

But I still think of her nowwhenever I have

a Thanksgiving dinner.

Or spaghetti.Either meal.

All right, you guys are great.Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]