-So, uh, do youguys have babies?
Why would you have a baby?
I mean, I could seegetting pregnant,
but following through with it?
'Cause it hurts kids.
My friends tell mebabies can't do anything.
Having a baby is like aDUI from the universe.
-Don't agree with me.
The only time Iwanna see babies is
on my new favoritetelevision show-- oh my god,
it's so good-- "I Didn'tKnow I Was Pregnant."
Have you seen this?
OK, by round of applause,who's seen this show?
Does anyone knowwhat channel it's on?
The Learning Channel.
"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."
And this is a reality show,where these women are walking
around town-- ifyou haven't seen it,
here's what happens-- thesewomen are walking around town.
I dunno, maybethey're going camping.
All of a sudden,a baby comes out.
Usually in a toilet.
And they have no ideathey're pregnant.
And so TLC, TheLearning Channel,
is trying to make this showeducational so they're like,
"Pregnancy tip number two--this can happen to you."
Uh, no it can't.
No one smart'shaving a toilet baby.
It's not like, (HAUGHTYACCENT) "Darling, you'll never
guess what's comeout of my vagina."
It's always like,"A baby come out?
What do I do?"
You never hear stories onthat show, (HAUGHTY ACCENT)
"Well, I was making myway down to the stable,
because Velvet Crusaderhad been nickering about.
And I look down,and you'll never
guess what came forth my loins.
Every story on thatshow, (STUPID ACCENT)
"I just finished doin' theBatman ride at Six Flags.
Going to get me anothercotton candy stick.
I look down, thereis a baby in my shoe.
I thought it was a prize."
"Uh, yeah, I justfailed my third GED,
and I was walkingpast the stoplight.
I look down, there isa baby on the street!
I walk two blocks, thatdamn thing's following me!"
How do you not knowyou're pregnant?
Animals know they're pregnant.
Like what does she think, ninemonths ago she ate a bad McRib?
"Don't order thatnumber three combo.
That'll make your period stop."
Ugh, that hurt.
That woman's so dumb that whenshe went into the bathroom
and launched thechild into the toilet,
the first thing she probablythought was, (STUPID ACCENT)
"I don't remembereatin' no baby."
And the kid, who probablyalready has a higher reading
level than hers, like, "DidI seriously just pop out
of this idiot andinto a toilet?"