Matt Braunger - Shovel Fighter

Matt Braunger: Shovel Fighter Season 1, Ep 1 07/14/2012 Views: 17,926

Stand-up is the most fun job Matt Braunger has ever had, and shovel fighting is the definitely the worst job. (2:16)

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But this is definitely the most fun job

I've ever had.

It's a good time, but--

I was thinking about it.A friend of mine was like,

"What's the worst jobyou ever had?"

And I'm like,"Probably when I worked

in a greeting card store,all right?"

'Cause all it is all dayis this.

Anniversary?Over there.

Please kill mewhen you come back.

Okay.Like, it's so boring.

Oh, you know what,I screwed up,

I screwed up, that isn'tthe worst job I ever had.

The worst job I ever hadwas when I was

the shovel fighterin the Ukraine.

Hands down.Hands down.

Oh, like,they take the tarp

off your tentthat's stuck in the mud,

and the sun hits you

like a fire,like you burn.

You haven't been outin the sun for so long,

and you're skinny--I weighed, like, 95 pounds.

I'd been therefor over a year, I think.

Couldn't even count the days,right?

And they give me my shovel,and my hand catches it

in a reflex 'cause it's allI know anymore, right?

And they put mein the pit,

and I'm like,"What am I fighting now?

"A wild boar again?Two guys at once?

I've killed so many.My soul is dead." Right?

And this--I look, and it's Randy.

It's my best friend Randy.

And I knowthe warlord put him there

'cause he wants to killwhat love is left in my heart.

Randy used to draw picturesin the sand with a stick,

and it's the only thingthat would ever make me smile,

and it felt strangeto use those muscles again,

do you know what I mean?

And he looked at mewith eyes of mercy

and saying, "Please,"but, like, not please,

like, "Please, please kill me."

And I hit him.

And I hit him againand again and again.

And I knew he wouldn't get up,but I took the shovel

and put it to his neck,and I looked

at the warlord,and the hand went up,

and the thumb went down.

It always goes down.

And I cut off his head!

Oh, God, Randy.

Oh, God,I'm so sorry.

Yeah, that's definitelythe worst job I ever had.

Shovel fighter.

Worst job.

Worst job ever.

Freaked out everyoneon that one.

That was great.