Nick Swardson - Occupations

  • Season 4 , Ep 6
  • 01/07/2001
  • Views: 12,442

JOB.

MY FIRST JOB I WORKED AT PLANET

HOLLYWOOD BACK IN MY HOME STATE

OF MINNESOTA.

YEE-WHO!

PLANET HOLLYWOOD-- I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU KNOW PLANET HOLLYWOOD.

IT'S LIKE A THEME RESTAURANT.

THEY HAVE PROPS FROM THE MOVIES,

LIKE, ON THE WALL.

BUT, LIKE, I WORKED AT THE ONE

IN MINNESOTA, SO WE GOT THE

LAME, STUPID PROPS.

WE'D LIKE PRETEND THEY WERE

COOL.

THAT WAS OUR JOB.

IT WAS SO PATHETIC.

WE'RE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT IS IT.

THAT'S THE CAR THEY DROVE IN

'CRITTERS.'

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

THAT'S IT, MAN.

THAT IS IT.

AND THAT'S WHAT THEY WORE IN

'COCOON.'

AND THERE'S COREY FELDMAN RIGHT

THERE.

HE'S KIND OF CHILLING RIGHT NOW.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

BUT IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

I LIKE THIS JOB.

THIS JOB'S COOL.

BUT I THINK THE BEST JOB,

LIKE, IN THE HISTORY OF

THE UNITED STATES, I THINK

VANNA WHITE GOT THE BEST JOB

EVER.

(APPLAUSE)

IS THAT NOT THE BEST JOB?

IF I WERE A WOMAN, I WOULD WANT

THAT JOB SO BAD.

LIKE THAT'S HER JOB.

LIKE WHAT A COUNTRY.

THAT'S ALL SHE-- SHE JUST TURNS

LETTERS.

"I TURN LETTERS...BUT ONLY WHEN

THEY GLOW.

OKAY?

I'M NOT..."

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT WAS THE INTERVIEW LIKE TO

GET THAT JOB?

WHAT WAS THAT PROCESS?

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY TOUGH.

THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

LET'S START.

LET'S START THE INTERVIEW HERE.

VANNA WHITE.

IS THAT RIGHT?

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S START.

ALL RIGHT.

ALPHABET?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU ARE?

OKAY.

WOW.

(LAUGHTER)

IF SOMETHING WERE GLOWING,

COULD YOU TELL?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU COULD?

WELL, THAT WRAPS IT UP.

WOW.

WELCOME ABOARD.

THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE."

(APPLAUSE)

BUT SOME PEOPLE JUST DO WEIRD

THINGS WITH THEIR LIVES.

I WAS WATCHING THE DISCOVERY

CHANNEL, AND THEY DID A SPECIAL

ON JANE GOODALL.

SHE'S THE WOMAN WHO STUDIED APES

IN THE MOUNTAINS.

FOR SIX YEARS SHE LEFT AND WENT

AND STUDIED APES AND THEN JUST

CAME HOME.

WENT FOR SIX YEARS, AND THEN

JUST CAME HOME.

AND IT'S LIKE WHAT A WEIRD THING

TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE.

SHE JUST WENT AND STUDIED THEM,

LIKE HOW THEY ACT AND HOW THEY

EAT AND HOW THEY FUNCTION.

IT'S LIKE-- AND THEN JUST LEFT,

WENT FOR SIX YEARS AND LEFT.

AN APE COULDN'T DO THAT TO US.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I WAS THINKING

ABOUT IT.

LIKE AN APE COULDN'T WALK INTO

YOUR HOUSE AND JUST STUDY YOU

FOR SIX YEARS LIKE IN THE

CORNER, LIKE, EVERYTHING YOU DO,

WRITING IT DOWN, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE HOW YOU WALK, HOW YOU ACT.

EVERY DAY YOU'RE LIKE, "IS THE

APE STILL HERE?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I THINK SO."

THE APE'S IN THE CORNER LIKE...

LIKE, MOCKING YOU, WATCHING HOW

YOU TALK AND EVERYTHING,

APPROACHING EVERY ONCE IN A

WHILE LIKE...

"HEY.

WHAT'S UP?"

AND JUST, LIKE, BACK INTO THE

CORNER.

YOU'RE LIKE "WHAT THE HELL WAS

THAT?"

BUT, LIKE, LIVING WITH APES FOR

SIX YEARS.

SHE LIVED WITH APES.

LIKE THAT'S INSANE.

I MEAN, LIKE, I WONDER IF IT

RUBBED OFF ON HER AT ALL.

IT HAD TO OF; RIGHT?

SHE HAD TO HAVE PICKED UP APE

TRAITS-- RIGHT?--

(LAUGHTER)

OVER SIX YEARS.

DO YOU THINK SHE EVER LET IT

SLIP OUT ON ACCIDENT?

SHE'S, LIKE, ARGUING A PARKING

TICKET.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, SERIOUSLY.

I'LL MOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE IT.

I'LL MOVE IT.

I'M SORRY.

I LITERALLY RAN IN FOR TWO

SECONDS.

I'LL MOVE THE CAR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE THE

TICKET.

I'M SAYING I'LL MOVE IT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

I'LL MOVE IT.

I'LL MOVE IT.

YOU'RE-- WHY ARE YOU STILL

WRITING?

I'LL MOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT-- YOU'RE NOT

LISTENING.

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

(SHRIEKS)

(APPLAUSE)

"I'M SORRY.

I LIVE WITH APES.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M SORRY."

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